What To Expect at an AA Meeting

You’re sitting on the bus, clutching a Xerox-copied brochure with a highlighted address. It’s a church basement (go figure — at least that part lives up to the stereotype). You might be uneasy, hoping your boss or neighbor isn’t in the seat behind you, looking over your shoulder. Or you might be excited — after all, it’s been years and this alcohol thing isn’t working anymore. And who knows, maybe AA will work. After all, what is it they told you at the hospital — it works if you work it? Something like that.

You walk in as the crowd is gathering. To your surprise, most of them look … normal. There’s a woman in her 30s with a blond bob haircut — you can just picture her at a PTA meeting. There’s a man in a spiffy business suit, glancing over spreadsheets on his laptop before the meeting starts. And yes, there’s probably a knitter or two. (Some of us just need to keep our hands busy. Plus, if we get a few scarves out of it, that’s a few Christmas presents out of the way.)

We’ve all seen AA meetings on TV, but most people don’t know quite what to expect when they walk into one in real life. The truth is, it depends on the location, the crowd, and a host of other factors that will be different depending on the particular church basement, YMCA meeting room, or college classroom you end up in. However, there are some common features among them. Let’s dig deeper and find out what happens at an AA meeting, what might happen, and what almost definitely won’t.

What Is an AA Meeting?

First things first: what’s an AA meeting all about? It comes down to one common purpose: a group of like-minded (but otherwise often very diverse) people who have alcoholism (or had it in the past) joining forces for mutual support.

In fact, this can make AA folks chatting outside during a break easy to recognize, once you have a trained eye. They’re friendly, they’re often smoking (which stands out these days), and they’re probably an odd mix. If you didn’t know any better, you might wonder how this unlikely bunch got together: what can the art college hippie, elegant white-haired grandmother, and 6’ 5’’ bodybuilder covered in tattoos be talking about with such enthusiasm?

To use an AA phrase, they’re together to “share their experience, strength, and hope.” Now, granted that during the sidewalk powwow they might be deciding which pizza joint or coffee shop to go to. However, inside “the rooms,” (another AA term referring to the meetings) the conversation is going to be about alcohol dependence: how they got stuck, how they got out (if they did), and what’s still a challenge today.

For more information, check out “How Does Alcoholics Anonymous Work?” For now, let’s take a closer look at what happens at an AA meeting.

What Will (Probably) Happen

You find the address, walk through the door, and pick a seat (maybe one that’s strategically close to the entrance, if you’re still feeling a bit sheepish about the whole thing). And yes, most meetings have chairs arranged in a circle.

There are groups of people catching up, and chances are whoever’s sitting next to you will introduce themselves and, perhaps, give you their phone number. Don’t worry, it’s not a come-on — calling other members when triggers pop up is a classic AA method to deal with urges and can work wonders for many. But don’t feel pressured to reciprocate! 

There’s probably coffee, a box of cookies, and a few piles of multicolored brochures spread out on the table. You settle in, take a few sips, and wonder: now what?

1. “My Name Is … and I’m an Alcoholic”

Yes, most meetings start with people going around and saying their name followed by “and I’m an alcoholic” (though you don’t have to say it if you don’t want to — more on this later).

2. “The Only Requirement for Membership …”

After introductions are over, someone will read the “preamble” that states the purpose and basic approach of AA. It takes a few minutes to go through it, but the most important part is right up front: “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.”

3. Welcoming the Newcomer: The “Most Important Person at Any Meeting”

As the AA preamble reads, “The newcomer is the most important person in any meeting.” And those folks really mean it. Showing up the morning after losing our job, getting evicted from our apartment after the super found us passed out in the laundry room for the hundredth time, or having a fight with our partner who found bottles in the hamper is no easy feat. Everyone at the meeting will understand that, nobody will judge us, and most have done the same things (or worse). 

4. “Here Are the Steps We Took”

The 12 Steps will probably be displayed somewhere in the room. Here’s the gist:

• Steps 1-3 are all about acknowledging that we drank (a lot) and that it’s not doing us any good. 
• Steps 4-7 call for racking our brain for all of those pesky “character defects” that played a part in getting us stuck. (While this is the point where a lot of people head for the door, it’s worth it to keep an open mind and consider rephrasing it in a way that’s less, well, judgy.) 
• Steps 8-10 involve making a “list of all the people we’ve harmed” through our drinking (and let’s face it, that’s probably a hefty chunk of our contact list by the time we find ourselves in “the rooms”). We are then advised to “make amends to them all,” as long as it’s safe to do so. It’s worth noting that “amends” are not apologies — it’s all about fixing broken relationships and “cleaning our side of the street.”
• Steps 11-12 are about living a booze-free life, engaging in self-reflection through “prayer and meditation,” and spreading the word to others by sharing our story and the AA message. We’re free!

It’s important to note that the phrasing of the Steps has been a sticking point for some over the years. In truth, they’re actually very much in line with science-backed approaches to habit change, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (when it comes to unmasking thought distortions in Steps 4-7), dialectical behavior therapy (regarding interpersonal effectiveness involved in making amends) and mindfulness (as far as the self-reflection at the heart of Step 11). 

That said, terms like “higher power,” “character defects,” and “prayer” can be triggers for some, and many meetings have gone out of their way to modernize the language. Let’s face it, the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) written by AA founder Bill W. back in 1939 used terms that didn’t age all that well. There’s plenty of judgment and a hefty dose of sexism among the pages, and many groups prefer to focus on the ideas behind the message rather than the way it’s phrased by Bill — an admittedly sketchy character, especially when it came to how he treated women.

5. Sharing “Experience, Strength, and Hope”

At heart, all meetings are about sharing stories, reaching out for help, and offering support to others. There’s nothing like seeing a successful chemistry professor who once had to drop out of grad school and move in with his parents years earlier, a City Council representative who spent a night in jail after getting multiple DUIs, or a pilot who once lost his license after being caught drinking mid-flight (phew — thank goodness that one ended well). These people all made it, and all of them have been where we are. 

The form that this sharing takes can vary (more on this later), but the main point is this: it’s possible to recover from _{alcohol use disorder} (AUD) and be happy to boot. (And, by the way, that’s true no matter what you think of AA.)

6. Celebrating Recovery: “These Chips Represent …”

Finally, most meetings have a “chip” ceremony at the end to celebrate those who stayed sober for a certain number of months. The “most important chip of all”? One day. Making a decision to change is key, and making it through those first 24 hours is often harder than surviving 12 months without a drink.

What Might Happen at an AA Meeting: Format Differences

What happens next depends on the meeting format. Here’s an overview.

What Is a Closed AA Meeting vs. an Open AA Meeting?

Open meetings are for anyone and everyone — people who identify as alcoholics, people who are there to support others, fulfill a course requirement, or simply satisfy their curiosity (“Is it really like the movies?”). If it’s your first time and you’re feeling nervous, open meetings are great: you can bring your partner, your neighbor, or your mom if you want to (even if they’ve never touched a drop of booze in their life).

Closed meetings, on the other hand, are for those with an alcohol misuse problem. Whether their last drink was 10 years or 10 minutes ago, they’re here because they want booze out of their lives for good.

Meeting Format

The format of the meetings is different as well. Here’s an overview.

• Speaker meetings feature a member who shares their story for the first 20-30 minutes, after which there’s usually time for discussion. The stories are as different as the people in the crowd, but all have the same general trajectory: how the speaker started drinking, how bad things got, and how AA helped them get better (and can help you do the same).
• Discussion meetings are discussions where each member shares their thoughts. Sometimes the topic is set at the beginning, ranging from a general concept (such as “gratitude” or “cravings”) to the more specific (for example, “your experience with the fourth Step”). Or, the topic might be left entirely up to us — share whatever is on your mind (or don’t, if you don’t feel like it — there’s never any pressure).
• Big Book meetings are all about the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous). There’s usually a reading of a specific passage, followed by discussion.
• 12-Step meetings focus on one of the 12 Steps. Once again, there’s usually a reading (from the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions) and a discussion of the members’ experience with and thoughts about it.

No matter what format a meeting is listed under, there will be individual differences. Some speaker meetings might seem a bit more formal, while discussion meetings tend to feel more cozy, but that’s not always the case. Feel free to check them out for yourself and see what fits best!

How Long Do AA Meetings Last?

Most last either an hour or an hour and a half. The longer ones will often have a break in the middle.

What Won’t Happen at an AA Meeting: Debunking Myths

There are also lots of myths about AA out there, and it’s important to dispel them. Things have also been changing over the years, and what used to be true in the past has (mostly) gone the way of the dinosaurs.

• It’s not a cult. While AA does have some “cultish” aspects (such as the tendency to ascribe any life problems to our own “character defects,” the codependent relationships that can develop with sponsors, or the unwavering support of Bill W.), the main difference is this: while cults usually have ulterior motives, AA’s motives are honest and simple. It’s just a group of people who are there to find a solution to the life-threatening problem they developed with booze while helping others do the same.
• You don’t have to say you’re an alcoholic. If this is a sticking point for you, breathe a sigh of relief: no, you don’t have to label yourself with “that word.” Nobody will bat an eye (and if they do, ignore them).
• You don’t have to say anything at all. In fact, you don’t even have to talk at all if you don’t want to. If it’s a discussion meeting and your turn comes, simply say, “I’m just here to listen.”
• You don’t have to get a sponsor or work the 12 Steps. That said, some meetings are more “by the book” than others when it comes to sponsorship and the Steps, so it’s important to find one that aligns with your needs.
• You don’t have to “apologize” to everyone in your life. There’s an episode of Seinfeld where George is eagerly awaiting his “apology” after finding out that a friend is going through the 12 Steps. George is clearly a bit mistaken (go figure). Amends are more about fixing relationships that have been derailed by booze, they’re done in a discreet and confidential way, only if you’re ready. And nobody should “expect” one.
• You don’t have to pay. AA is free, and while a collection basket for donations will usually make its way around the room at some point, you’re free to pass it on or put whatever you want inside (as long as it’s money).

That said, AA is definitely not for everyone. Many find that its all-or-nothing approach, emphasis on a higher power, and over-reliance on meetings doesn’t work well for them. That’s perfectly okay! There are plenty of alternatives (such as Reframe) that offer a more modernized, science-backed approach to dealing with cravings and revamping your views of alcohol. Plus, you get all the social support from our thriving community of like-minded people!

What If AA Doesn’t Work for You?

Tried a few meetings but found it doesn’t jibe with you? No problem! AA is not for everyone. Luckily, there are many alternatives.

• Scope out other support groups. If the first meeting (or two, or five) don’t do it for you, keep an open mind and try another one. You might find something you like (but if you don’t, that’s okay too!).
• Consider therapy. Therapy (especially cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy), as well as motivational coaching can work wonders for many people trying to leave alcohol behind.
• Share stories with like-minded folks. That’s where the power really lies. There’s something about hearing people just like you who have found a way out of what seemed like an impossible situation that can’t help but radiate hope. And hope is contagious. That hopeful feeling is even beneficial to our brain, according to some researchers who suggest that hope quiets down anxiety in the brain, helping improve overall brain function. Whether in person or through online support groups, there are plenty of ways to connect with people who’ve been where you are and know what it’s like.

And don’t forget about Reframe! A treasure trove of science-backed information, tools to bust cravings, a motivational coach, and a supportive community of like-minded people all in one, it makes the alcohol journey easy, fun, and exciting!

Raising the Bar

The best part? Reframe helps you change how you see alcohol in a way that makes change natural. And that’s certainly something to consider when choosing your path. Many other approaches (including AA) focus on avoiding alcohol, which is always “lurking in the background.” Even those who left it behind and no longer crave it might live in fear of a relapse and form a new (albeit healthier) dependency on AA.

However, what if there were a way to make it “small and irrelevant,” as Annie Grace puts it in This Naked Mind? By changing how you feel about alcohol and focus on building a life beyond it, there’s a deeper level of recovery to discover. We’re here to help you do just that!