Sober Shaming: What Is It? How Do I Overcome It?

Have you ever taken a break from drinking or completed a Dry January challenge only to discover that some people in your life are strangely unsupportive of your effort? Instead of applauding you for making positive changes in your life, you might have been criticized, alienated, or even ridiculed for not drinking. Or even worse, you might have been left out of social gatherings or talked about behind your back for your choice to stay sober.

Let us be the first to say we’re so sorry if you’ve ever experienced this! This phenomenon is called “sober shaming,” and it’s fairly common. Sadly, you may have been on the receiving end of sober shaming without realizing it was even a thing. In this blog, we’ll define “sober shaming,” explain why it happens, and offer helpful strategies for how we can stop it before it starts.

What Is Sober Shaming?

These days, “shaming” is a word we hear far too often in a variety of contexts. Shaming is defined as criticizing, judging, or making fun of someone based on their appearance, actions, or beliefs. 

Sobriety or choosing not to drink alcohol is no exception. Sober shaming happens when someone makes us feel uncomfortable for our personal choice to drink less or stay sober. They may make us feel like our decision to not drink is wrong, boring, or even offensive.

Choosing to not drink alcohol — whether for an evening, a month, or permanently — is a personal decision we can make freely. When people shame us for making the choice to quit or cut back on drinking, we may start to second-guess ourselves. When we sober shame others, we contribute to a culture where drinking is the default accepted way of being, not a personal choice.

What Does Shaming Look Like?

Many of us have probably brushed off a friend’s “joking” comment that was actually a way of shaming. It was probably even unintentional on their part! Nevertheless, shaming can creep into our psyche in sly ways that might not be easy to identify at first. Once we’re able to pinpoint some common shaming behaviors or phrases, it becomes easier to prevent and diffuse them.

Here are some common, all-too-familiar sober shaming phrases:

• “But it’s my birthday, just have one drink!”
• “You’re not drinking? Why not?!”
• “You’re doing that lame Dry January thing again?”
• “Ohhh, come on!”
• “Don’t be boring!”
• “The night won’t be the same if you’re not getting drunk with us…!”
• “Aw, bummer! You’re so much more fun when you’re drinking!”
• “You’ve been sober for a long time, having one drink won’t hurt.”

Do any of these comments sound familiar? It’s no fun to be on the receiving end of this kind of pressure or witness it happening to others. The good news is now that you’re aware of what sober shaming looks like, you can help prevent it from happening — and overcome it when it does.

Why Does Sober Shaming Happen?

Sober shaming is rarely an overt attempt to do harm — often, it’s a projection of much deeper and more complex issues. A recent public health survey determined that 41% of Americans are actively trying to drink less, including 50% of millennials and 61% of Gen Z.

Those shifting attitudes toward sobriety reflect the changing tides of social attitudes toward sobriety, but there is still plenty of pressure out there. A 2019 survey of drinkers in the UK found that 30% drank when they didn’t want to as a result of peer pressure to drink. So, why do others react so strongly about our decision to quit or cut back on drinking? Sober shaming can happen for a variety of reasons. News flash: It’s usually not about the sober person.

Here are some reasons why someone may sober shame:

• Insecurity about their own drinking. Insecurity can manifest in multiple ways, and unfortunately it often ends up being projected onto others. When people are insecure or worried about their own drinking habits, they may subconsciously shame others to mask their doubts about their relationship with alcohol. When a sober person shows up, it may challenge them in a way that makes them uncomfortable or may be even jealous.

• Discomfort or fear of progress. Speaking of discomfort, when we make positive changes in our lives, some people aren’t used to that. When we don’t keep our “old ways,” it may scare some people because they’re fearful of the unknown. It’s easier to accept the status quo. Again, this is often a mirror of other people and not a reflection of us!

• Lack of depth in the relationship. This may sound harsh, but some people simply don't have our best interests at heart. Some so-called “friends” may be fun to hang out or drink with, but if they’re shaming us for our choice to not drink, it may be time to reevaluate our relationship with them and see if they’re actually a true friend.

Our social network is a crucial part of our recovery journey. When we cultivate an environment that affirms our choice to stop drinking, we feel empowered and encouraged to stay committed to ourselves. This can look like joining a support group, identifying sober friends, or checking in with a 24/7 community like the Forum on the Reframe app.

If we decide to keep a relationship with a sober-shaming friend or family member, it’s important to balance it by interacting constructively with sobriety-supportive people in a safe environment.

How To Overcome Sober Shaming

If we’re in a situation where we feel like we’re being shamed, there are some helpful strategies that can stop the negativity in its tracks.

• Speak your truth. Don’t feel like you need to go into a long explanation about why you’re not drinking (unless you want to!). Try out some canned responses such as, “I’m not drinking tonight,” “I feel a lot better when I don’t drink,” or “I’m taking a break from drinking.” Having a few lines in your back pocket is a great way to counteract negativity or questioning in the moment without having to come up with something on the spot.

• Band together. There is strength in numbers. If you’re not drinking, it can help to surround yourself with other sober friends who also aren’t drinking or plan to do text check-ins with a sober friend. This can help everyone stay accountable and create a united front against any naysayers. 

• Leave the situation. If the sober shaming is getting to be too much, there’s no shame (see what we did there?) in excusing yourself from the situation. Your well-being comes first!

• Avoid the possibility. There’s no rule that says you have to be around people who are drinking. You’re free to avoid any situations that make you feel uncomfortable or that could be a temptation. Why not organize a sober party? Get a group together and plan a fun activity that doesn’t include booze!

We hope it never escalates to this point, but if you ever feel threatened or are in physical danger from someone’s negative behavior toward you, seek emergency help or try to leave the situation and find safety ASAP.

Being an Ally

What if you see others doing some sober shaming? Is there any way to help sober friends when they’re being shamed? Each situation is different, but there are some subtle ways to step in without stepping on anyone’s toes. 

• Defend others. If you see something, say something! If you hear someone shaming a sober friend, call that person out. It can be as playful as a joke about anti-peer pressure PSAs from your youth to a more serious reprimand. Use your judgment, and when in doubt, try a different approach.

• Change the subject. How about that local sports team, huh? Find something more entertaining to talk about and take the focus off the person being shamed. It’s always a good bet to redirect by asking the shamer about themselves — everyone’s favorite subject! Ask them about their kids, their work, opinions on recent movies, or any other recent life events, even if you already know what they’re going to say.

• Flip the narrative. Change the conversation to be about how awesome you think it is that your sober friend has made this choice not to drink. Bring up the amazing health or financial benefits of sobriety and applaud them for making mature choices.

• Sip in solidarity. Better yet, join them in sober solidarity for the remainder of the event. You can even order a round of mocktails to share or suggest the next pitcher be a water break.

Sobriety thrives in supportive environments. Just remember: you’re not there to fight anyone’s battles, but you can definitely hand them a shield! And most importantly, by getting better at identifying others’ sober-shaming behaviors, you can make sure you don’t do it to others subconsciously.

How Can I Be Sure I Don’t Sober Shame Others?

So now that we’re aware that sober shaming exists, how can we be sure we don’t contribute to it and accidentally shame someone? Here are some helpful tips for overcoming — and stopping — sober shaming.

• Never question someone’s decision not to drink.
• Ask before automatically ordering an alcoholic beverage for someone.
• Eliminate any negative comments about sobriety from your vocabulary.
• Dismantle stereotypes about the types of people who choose to be sober. (Fun fact: anyone can decide to be sober!)
• Avoid hating on non-alcoholic beverages or making a joke about sodas or mocktails.
• Check in with trusted sober friends to see if they have any insight on what they find hurtful or unhelpful.
• If you’re the host, always have non-alcoholic options available.

With these practices in mind, we hope you feel equipped to stop sober shaming and, instead, provide encouragement to those around you who are making positive changes in their lives (yes, you too!).

When we support our friends, family members, and colleagues who choose not to drink, we show them they are valuable to us exactly as they are, and we champion their choice to make their lives better. If we catch ourselves having a negative or uncomfortable reaction to a friend or family member’s choice to not drink alcohol, it might be time for us to look at our own relationship with alcohol and maybe make some changes.

Wrapping Up

In closing, we’re bummed that sober shaming is a reality, but we’re glad to be raising awareness that it exists so we can be sure it doesn’t keep happening. Wherever you are on your journey, we’re here to support you at every step! Now, let’s go out there and stop sober shaming together.