Welcome everyone to another episode of the Reframeable Podcast.  

A podcast that brings you people’s stories and ideas about how we can work to reframe our relationship, not just with alcohol, but with stress, anxiety, relationships, enjoyment, and so much more. Because changing our relationship with alcohol is about so much more than changing the contents of our glass.

This podcast is brought to you by the Reframe app. Reframe is the number one iOS app to help you cut back or quit drinking alcohol. It uses neuroscience to reframe your relationship with alcohol and unlock the healthiest, happiest you.

My name is Kevin Bellack. I'm a certified professional recovery coach and the head of coaching at the Reframe app.  I’m glad you are here… so let’s start the show.

In today’s episode I want to talk about how we can control our own narrative and use, or not use, labels.  When I talk about “controlling our narrative” I don’t mean that we should lie or make things up to tell people that aren’t true.  When I talk about this I come at it from a standpoint of how can we best communicate what we are doing in a way that empowers us instead of coming from a place of shame, or failure, or regret.  I’ve heard the quote many times on this journey that “No is a complete sentence”.  This is usually said from the viewpoint that we don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why we are cutting back or cutting out alcohol from our life.  I do think it’s important to keep that in mind, however I prefer to be prepared to have conversations with people who I want to give more than a dismissive “none of your business” response. Not that we can’t give that response when warranted though.

So I would practice the things I would say to people.  If I had a work event, a happy hour, a get together with friends or family,  I would think about who was going to be there and how I would want to show up.  Typically these were people who I drank with before and potentially saw me drink a lot over the years.  So I knew I couldn’t just say “no thanks, I don’t drink” and just leave it at that.  There would be dumbfounded looks for sure if I did that.  So I would say, “I’m not drinking right now”, “I don’t drink ANYMORE”, or “I have to drive to pick up whoever” or some reason like that.  This could potentially lead to more questions but for the most part people didn’t usually care.  They’re either fine with you making this shift, they’re too focused on themselves, or they just don’t care at all.  If they did have a question then we might go down another level and discuss.  Maybe they would say “wait YOU don’t drink anymore?!”  Depending on where I was on my journey at the time, meaning maybe I was trying to just take a break or maybe I had a more permanent change in mind, I would reply accordingly.  I’ve told people “I gave it up for lent” or “I am doing 1,000 Hours Dry challenge or Dry month” or “I have a bet going with my brother and I’m not losing and paying up”, etc.  Most of these were untrue in that these weren’t the reasons for my change, but they were an easy answer that people could at least grasp.  So having some quick responses like this available is a good idea just to be prepared.

One suggestion I always have when we are talking with others and this topic comes up is to focus on the positives of this change. Instead of coming from a place of  deprivation or failure or struggle I would focus on the positives that I was seeing as I made this change or even the positives that I WANTED to see (because, as you may know, we aren’t always feeling that positive). No toxic positivity here.  If I meet someone new now and they ask me why I don't drink I simply tell them that I found myself drinking too much so I decided to stop and when I did I felt so much better that I just kept it going. It's hard to argue or try and convince someone to drink when they just told you how good they feel and I get that maybe you aren't feeling good, maybe you're very early in your journey (or later, we are not always feeling it) but giving the positives of what you want to see is also an empowering way to go about this. There were plenty of times when I told someone about how much better my sleep was, for instance, when I got 4 hours the night before because of my anxiety. but that didn't mean that I wasn't doing this to work on my sleep or to work on my liver health or my brain health or my relationships or for my job. So just because I wasn't feeling or seeing that positive in the moment I knew that's what I was working towards so I said it anyway.

This is why it's so important to think about, to write about, and even talk about the reasons why we want to make this change in our life. because if we don't know why we want to change it's hard for us to answer questions and tell other people why we're doing it. It can definitely be hard for us to be confident when going out and even if we have a solid “why”, a solid reason for wanting to change the way alcohol is showing up in our life that doesn't mean we are ready to share that with other people or even share a little bit with other people.  This is a part of controlling the narrative, it’s also controlling the situations that we find ourselves in. We can't always control every situation. Sometimes we do have to go to an event but just remember there are a lot of things we do out of obligation that we can skip every once in a while. Part of controlling the narrative is putting ourselves first and protecting our own energy so that we can continue to work on making this change in our life.

Sometimes of course we can’t control the narrative. People know something that may have happened that caused us to have to make this change. That doesn’t mean we can’t make this change in a way that can still be focused on what we’re gaining vs. what we might be losing. We can still move forward on a path that makes sense to us.  

A big part of this can be that we sometimes fear labels as well. The stigma has grown around alcohol that you can either drink it and not have a problem and be normal or you have a problem and you can't handle it. That black or white thinking is what causes a lot of people to NOT make a change because they're afraid of what others might think. They're afraid of being labeled an alcoholic and looked down upon. I know I didn't didn't make meaningful changes in my life surrounding alcohol because I was scared of having to admit that I was an alcoholic. It kept me drinking longer than it should have and to this day I have never called myself an alcoholic and I never will. If I look back on when I reached the end of my rope and started to make a change, could you have classified me as an alcoholic by any loose definition? Sure you could have. But it wasn't helpful to use that term for me and here’s why, I’ll give you my take on this just for myself.  Just as an example of my thought process in case it helps you.

Alcoholic isn’t a medical term. It’s ill-defined and full of decades (or more) of stigma surrounding it. Ultimately the medical term, Alcohol Use Disorder, which is a medical condition characterized by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences, is a spectrum and we can fall on any point in that Spectrum and that doesn't have to be all the way to one end in order to make a change.  And I thought to myself if I had diabetes or epilepsy I wouldn’t say I AM those things, I would say I am someone with epilepsy, for instance. I wasn’t an alcoholic… I was someone with an alcohol use disorder.

Now I am NOT saying that you shouldn’t use the words, labels, etc. that work for you.  Many people are empowered by this word and it helps them because it gives them a sense of who they might be and therefore it allows them to address it head on.  It didn't do that for me and therefore I don't use it and nobody else has to. If someone wants to call me that, that's up to them. I can't control what other people do or say. I can correct them if I feel it would be helpful.  But ultimately all that matters is how I show up for myself. I didn't really like the word sober either but I forced myself to put that on my Instagram name and call myself the sober Ginger to challenge myself to address head on what I was trying to do.  After like a year I wanted to change it to something that I felt was more fitting for how I looked at things but I left it. If I put a label on myself now that label is that I'm alcohol-free.  That’s it.  It’s pretty self explanatory.  You could be sober-curious. you could be sober. you could call yourself an alcoholic if that works for you. you can be a teetotaler you could be a mindful drinker you could just be Kevin. And let me tell you… being Kevin is pretty damn cool if I do say so myself so feel free to use that one.  Alright, but seriously you don't have to label yourself for anyone. do what works for you. A big reason I bring this up now is that I don't want you to let a word hold you back from living your life and making a change for the better like it did for me.

In the end, we can look at this as an empowering thing in our life. It’s me asking “how can I get better” and not dwelling on how I might have shown up before but taking advantage of the fact that I am working on myself And asking how do I want to show up right now. So this isn't necessarily an “act as if” type of thing but it can be embracing that identity of how we want to show up even if it's for a short period of time. Even if I’m saying “Hey, I’m going to cut back this month”.  Well then embody that.  Be that.  Be empowered by that. Tell yourself, “you know what?  At this moment, on this day, in this month I am a mindful drinker. I am someone who is working on reducing the amount of alcohol they consume. And everything that entails.”  

If you’re removing alcohol forever or just for a month, then focus on the progress along the way. Be it. Live it.  Don’t just focus on what’s going to happen a year from now or at the end of the month. Focus on how you can learn this month. Focus on how you can change now and better yourself. What does that look like to you? Recognize that it’s not going to be easy and that you can hit bumps along the way and learn from them and keep moving forward.

Use this as an empowering moment, not something like “my friends might judge me because I’m cutting back on alcohol” and there’s a stigma that I can’t handle my alcohol. To that I say “screw that!” because why is that we think anyone can “handle” this toxin.  It’s a drug. The only drug you have to justify NOT taking. That is a shame. Because it’s in this stigma, this justification of why we aren’t taking this drug or as much of this drug that we get stuck in our heads.  That’s why we don’t feel empowered. Again I say “screw that”.

Recognize that this is, at its core, a way that we can improve ourselves, get healthier, heal relationships, gain new coping skills, and reduce our stress. It’s not going to be easy. So be sure to find the support you need and focus on making that progress. Recognize that alcohol is causing a lot of our stress to begin with. It’s that vicious cycle of I’m stressed, so I drink and that creates stress in our bodies and minds, and so we feel that compounded the next day so we drink again and on and on.  

Empower yourself to control the way you view how alcohol is showing up in your life and work to change how you are approaching it now.  

In the end, we have to show up for ourselves first. Today I just wanted to touch upon the fact that we can tell people why we are making a change.. Or not. And ultimately, as they say, Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind, don’t matter. So just continue to work on yourself. Continue to reframe the way you show up for yourself and just keep going.  

Thank you for listening to this week’s episode of the Reframeable podcast brought to you by the Reframe App. Reframe is the number one iOS app to help you cut back or quit drinking alcohol. It uses neuroscience to reframe your relationship with alcohol and unlock the healthiest, happiest you. If you are enjoying this podcast please like, subscribe, and share with those that you feel may benefit from it. I want to thank you again for listening and be sure to come back next week for another episode.  Have a great day!