What To Do When You Find Alcohol in Your Child's Room

It’s laundry day, and you make your way through the house, scooping up socks (and hoping that today some of them will finally find their match). You open the door to your teenager’s room, bend down to fish out a sports jersey under the desk and move a gym bag out of the way. And … there’s a sound of clinking glass. You open the bag and, next to the balled-up T-shirt and orange towel, there are two bottles of Smirnoff Ice. 

You sit down on the edge of the bed as a million thoughts run through your head. But wait, before you get them out of softball practice and ship them off to rehab, let’s take a brief pause and consider what to do when you find alcohol in your child's room.

Children and Alcohol: Sobering Stats

It may not be the news you want to hear, but one thing’s true: you’re not alone. No matter how many “say no to teenage drinking” campaigns we might organize, it’s still a reality: a kid drinking alcohol is, unfortunately, nothing new.

Teenage drinking has been on the radar of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) for years. Their website lists some sobering stats:

• Over a third of the teenage population has tried alcohol. The National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) found that in 2022, 34.2% of youngsters aged 12 to 20 had at least one drink at some point in life. That’s 13.2 million!
• Around 8.2% percent of the teenage population admitted to binge drinking in the past month. Although adolescents tend to drink alcohol less often than adults, they tend to drink more when they do drink. 
• Adolescents consume 3.2% of alcohol in the U.S. And what’s even more concerning is that 90% of alcohol consumption by teens happens in the context of binge drinking. In 2022, 3.2 million said they engaged in binge drinking at least once in the past month, while 646,000 reported five or more binge drinking episodes in the same period.
• Some start as young as age 12, but others “catch up” later in adolescence. In 2022, fewer than two in 100 survey participants aged 12 to 13 admitted to having a drink in the past month. By age 16 to 17, that number went up to one in five. 
• Boys tended to drink more in the past, but girls are catching up. Among boys aged 12 to 17, alcohol use went down in recent years. And while fewer girls are drinking now than in the past, the decline isn’t as strong, narrowing the gap. 
• Most drink due to peer pressure, increased independence, or stress. Moreover, booze is easily accessible for many. In 2022, 97.7% of adolescents who drank said they were able to get it for free.
• The effects can be devastating. In 2011, 188,000 underage patients were admitted to the ER for alcohol-related injuries. Underage drinking is also linked to risky behavior, sexual violence, and alcohol overdoses.
• It increases the chances of problems with alcohol later in life. Studies show that those who start drinking before the age of 15 are more likely to struggle with AUD later in life. 

For more information, check out “Understanding and Preventing Underage Drinking.” We hope this reality won’t come knocking on our door, but what do we do when it does?

What To Do When You Find Alcohol in Your Child’s Room

1. Pause, Breathe, and Reflect

First things first: take a deep breath. Coming across something that shocks us sends us straight into “fight or flight” mode. Our heart races, our breathing increases, and we’re on high alert as cortisol and adrenaline rush through our body. And while this emergency response works great when there’s something to fight or flee from, it’s not conducive to productive or sensitive conversations. Here’s why:

• You don’t have all the facts yet. Just because you found alcohol in your child’s room doesn’t mean they’re drinking on a regular basis — or even at all. At this point, it’s best to take it one step at a time.
• Your child will pick up on your stress. Seeing your “fight or flight” mode in action is unlikely to produce positive results.
• You might say or do something you later regret. When we’re stressed, it’s harder to control our impulses, even if we’re driven by genuine concern for our loved one.

Granted, pausing to collect your thoughts at a moment like this is easier said than done. Here are a few exercises you can do to dial down your stress response quickly:

• Take some deep, diaphragmatic breaths. Also known as belly breathing, diaphragmatic breathing activates the vagus nerve, which triggers the parasympathetic nervous system and promotes relaxation.
• Repeat an affirmation or mantra. Repeating the words “I am calm,” the Sanskrit mantra “om,” or any other short phrase that resonates with you helps slow down racing thoughts.
• Do some progressive muscle relaxation. Starting from the muscles in your face and moving down, tense and release each muscle group one at a time. Doing so will “squeeze out” the stress, leaving you feeling more grounded and in control.

Feeling calmer? Now it’s time for the next step.

2. Start the Conversation — and Keep It Going

Once you’re feeling calm, it’s time to start a conversation with your child. Make sure to bring up the subject in a relaxed way and keep these tips in mind:

• Pick a time that’s conducive to having a sensitive conversation. As much as you might want to jump into it right away, bringing it up in front of the whole softball team when you’re picking them up from practice isn’t a good idea. Neither is the time when their baby brother is throwing peas at them from across the table at a family dinner.
• Minimize distractions. Put away your phone and make sure the TV is off. Having distractions in the background won’t help matters.
• Don’t judge. Once you start the conversation, make sure you don’t come across as being too judgy. Don’t make blanket statements about people who drink or use language that might make them feel bad about themselves.
• Communicate your concerns. Make sure you get the main point across: you’re worried about your child’s well-being. You love them, you’re there for them, and you understand what it’s like — after all, many teens are curious about alcohol and perhaps you were, too. That said, you want to make sure they’re safe.
• Ask questions. Ask open-ended questions about your child’s thoughts and feelings about alcohol, as well as specific questions about their experience. For example, you might start with questions such as “How do you feel about alcohol?” or “What made you curious about drinking?” Their answers will give you ideas for follow-up questions to dig into further, or gaps in their knowledge that you can help fill.
• Listen more than you talk. It might be tempting to jump in with advice and instructions, but try to hold back, especially at the beginning. It’s crucial to make sure your child feels safe telling you what’s on their mind and expressing their thoughts about the situation without feeling judged. Neuroscience says that when we feel heard, our brain releases the “love hormone” oxytocin, helping us feel more connected to our conversation partner. Let’s use this neurochemical bonus to our advantage!
• Set clear boundaries and consequences. Being understanding is key, but so is setting boundaries. Make sure your child knows what you expect them to do and what the consequences of their actions are.
• Keep the lines of communication open. Most importantly, leave the conversation with the understanding that you’ll revisit the subject in the future. Make sure your child knows that it’s safe to talk to you about alcohol and ask you any questions that might come up in the future.

Remember, this conversation is all about learning more facts about the situation so you know what you’re dealing with, as well as creating a safe space for your child to share their feelings with you, ask you questions, and see you as a source of support. Establishing trust and creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding from the get-go is key!

3. Know the Facts and Spread the Word 

That said, we do want to get some important facts about alcohol across. Here are some ways to spread the word about alcohol without using scare tactics:

• “You might feel grown up, but did you know that the brain keeps developing until you’re about 25? Drinking alcohol messes with the process and can make it harder for you to remember and learn things or make decisions later on in life.”
• “I know you’re curious to try things — I was too at your age! Wanting to explore life is great, but it’s also important to stay safe when it comes to what we put in our body.”
• “People sometimes feel like alcohol makes them more social or makes it easier to have a good time. But it can also lead to some bad decisions, such as drinking and driving, getting in arguments with friends, or having accidents.”
• “It’s also important to be careful when someone else gives you a drink. Say you’re at a party where people are drinking and someone offers you a glass. If you’re not sure what’s in it, don’t worry about being rude by saying no. The thing is, sometimes people put really strong alcohol — or even drugs — in a drink, and you might end up getting really drunk without realizing it, since it doesn’t always have a strong taste.”
• “Alcohol really takes a toll on the body and mind. It’s bad for your heart, liver, and kidneys, and can cause permanent brain damage. It even makes your muscles weaker and your bones more brittle!”
• “Drinking too much at any age can cause brain changes that make it difficult to stop. It can start with a few drinks now and then, but before you know it, your body and brain start seeing alcohol as the norm. Eventually, a mental health condition known as alcohol use disorder (AUD) starts to develop.”
• “There are studies that show that if we start drinking as teenagers, we’re more likely to develop AUD as adults. In fact, if we start drinking before age 15, we’re four times more likely to develop a serious alcohol problem later on in life than if we start at 21. It’s worth it to wait!”

Want to learn more about how to explain alcoholism to a child or talk to your teen about drinking? Check out “How To Explain Alcohol Misuse To Children.”

4. Dispel the Myths

Just as it’s important to teach your child the facts about alcohol, it’s crucial to dispel the myths. Here are the most common ones, according to SAMHSA’s factsheet:

• Myth: Alcohol isn’t as harmful as other drugs.
• ‍Fact: As we already touched on, alcohol comes with a number of negative health effects and is especially dangerous for the developing adolescent brain.

• Myth: Beer and wine are safer than liquor.
• ‍Fact: Booze is booze: 12 ounces of beer, a 5-ounce glass of wine, or a 1.5-ounce tequila shot will take the same amount of time for our liver to metabolize and will raise our BAC by the same amount.

• Myth: You can sober up quickly by taking a cold shower or drinking coffee.
• ‍Fact: There are no “magic cures” for intoxication. Our liver still needs time to metabolize the alcohol, and coffee or showers won’t do anything to speed that up.

• Myth: You can drink alcohol and you won’t get into trouble.
• ‍Fact: The minimum age for drinking in all states is 21. Breaking this law makes you a “minor in possession” (MIP), which might mean paying a fine, doing community service, taking mandatory alcohol education classes, losing your driver’s license, or even spending time in jail.

It’s important for both you and your teen to be aware of the myths surrounding underage drinking. It’s also an opportunity to have a conversation and bond with them!

5. Be a Role Model (and Share Your Own Story)

Remember, your actions as a parent speak louder than words — a fact that’s more true than ever when it comes to the topic of alcohol use. Our kids see what we’re doing and soak up the implicit messages in our behavior from day one.

If you do drink, make sure that you’re sticking to moderation and be careful not to glamorize alcohol or joke about it in a way that trivializes the risks. As a society, we tend to normalize alcohol through trends like “mommy wine culture,” but we don’t treat other substances the same way (after all, a shirt that says “mama needs heroin” would be alarming, but “mama needs wine” is all over the internet).

If you’re on your own alcohol journey, consider sharing it with your child. The topic is a sensitive one for sure, but it’s ultimately a testament to your strength and ability to become a healthier version of yourself. Being vulnerable fosters trust — an essential component of parenting. Besides, it will give your words more weight — you’ve been there and know the dangers of alcohol misuse firsthand. Moreover, your story acts as “proof of the pudding” when it comes to showing that it’s possible to leave booze behind and lead a happy life.

When It’s Time for Some Extra Help 

We all want to keep our kids safe, and talking to your child about alcohol is the first step. However, some situations call for a bit of extra help. Here are some red flags to look out for in addition to finding alcohol in your child's room:

• Smell of alcohol and other signs of intoxication. Alcohol breath, slurred speech, and unsteady coordination are all telltale signs of being under the influence. We don’t want it to be true, and our brain might try to make us deny the obvious. However, we can’t afford to deny the truth in this case.
• Empty bottles. Finding empty bottles stashed away in your child’s room might be a sign that the problem is progressing to more dangerous levels.
• Changes in behavior. Mood swings, irritability, new symptoms of anxiety or depression, and secretive behavior are all red flags.
• Drops in academic performance. Drinking takes a toll on our cognitive abilities and leads to dips in both attendance and academic performance.

There are many resources out there for helping teens with alcohol use. Here are a few options to consider:

• Individual therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps us reframe our thinking about alcohol and is especially useful. There are CBT programs for adolescents that can help get to the root of the problem and help them find healthy coping strategies.
• Group therapy and classes. Alcohol awareness classes for teens provide useful information from trusted sources, filling in knowledge gaps and encouraging active engagement with the topic. Many are available online!
• Family therapy. Alcohol use tends to have a ripple effect, affecting everyone in the family. Family therapy is a way to get everyone on board and create a safe space for sharing concerns.
• Outpatient treatment. Individual or group outpatient rehab sessions provide comprehensive treatment by a team of trained professionals. 
• Inpatient treatment. If the problem has progressed to more severe levels, residential rehab treatment might be the best option. While it might mean taking some time off from school or other activities, the structured environment and personalized approach is well worth it in the long run.

Remember, asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness or failure — in fact, it’s the opposite! It’s a way of putting our children’s needs first and doing whatever it takes to keep them safe.

You’re Not Alone

As much as we’d like to think it won’t happen, you’re certainly not the first (or last) parent to find alcohol in your child’s room. These types of challenges come with parenthood, sometimes when we least expect them. As Marisa de los Santos puts it in Love Walked In,

“No one is ever quite ready; everyone is always caught off guard. Parenthood chooses you. And you open your eyes, look at what you've got, say ‘Oh, my gosh,’ and recognize that of all the balls there ever were, this is the one you should not drop. It's not a question of choice.”

But while we don’t have a choice about certain things, we can choose how we respond and move forward. And here at Reframe we’re ready to support you, cheer you on in your own journey, and welcome you to our community full of people who’ve been where you are and know what it’s like. We believe in you!