What Should You Not Say in AA?

At any gathering, the last thing you want to do is put your foot in your mouth. It happens to all of us at some time, but we have a better chance of avoiding embarrassment if we know the rules of a particular organization before walking through the door. That’s certainly true when it comes to Alcoholics Anonymous, or AA. So, if we’re considering attending an AA meeting, what are the rules? What is cross talk in AA, and why is it a no-no? What should we not say in AA to avoid upsetting anyone or risking an unpleasant interaction? Let’s find out!

AA: A Brief Introduction

What is Alcoholics Anonymous all about? For a deep dive, check out “How Does Alcoholics Anonymous Work?” For now, here are the basics:

• AA is a self-help organization for those who want to stop drinking — and that is the only requirement for memberhip. As the name suggests, AA is for those looking for help with booze. Started by stockbroker Bill Wilson (known in AA circles as Bill W.) and surgeon Bob Smith (Dr. Bob) back in the 1930s, it’s now a global phenomenon with Alcoholics Anonymous serving as the primary guide. The Big Book, as it’s better known, is now translated into 70 languages.

• Meetings form the core of the program. AA is all about meetings, which focus on members sharing their recovery stories and giving those who are struggling advice about how they can do the same. Service — helping others — is an important element in recovery as it boosts the brain’s “happy” neurotransmitters, strengthening our resolve to stay on track. That said, AA isn’t for everyone — more on that later.
• It’s based on the Twelve Steps. The steps start with admitting powerlessness over alcohol and the desire to change. They guide members through ways to improve their lives, assess and acknowledge their failings of character, and develop a sustainable, honest and, most important, alcohol-free way of life. The 12th Step involves daily meditation (another science-backed activity) and service to others.
• It works for some but not for all. The hang-up for some is AA’s spiritual emphasis and focus on the supportive role of a “Higher Power,” generally expressed as “God” or a divine presence. More broadly, it can be interpreted as anything greater than oneself — nature, the universe, or the group itself.

If it turns out that AA isn’t for you, not to worry. There are plenty of AA alternatives out there. We’ll revisit this point at the end, but for now let’s dive into some AA etiquette.

AA Meeting Rules

What are the rules of AA meetings? And what should you not say in AA? Let’s tackle each question separately, as there are subtle differences at play here.

First, here are the (more or less) official AA meeting rules.

1. Remember the “no cross talk” rule.

The first big no-no? Cross talk. What is cross-talk in AA? Cross talk refers to interrupting or directly addressing another person who is sharing during the meeting. 

Why is cross talk a problem? Part of the reason has to do with anonymity. AA is meant to be a safe, nonjudgmental place for anyone to share their experience. Cross talk may come off as confrontational and disrupt that safe space that the program strives to maintain. 

Even when it’s meant well, cross talk can put people on edge and make them hesitant to share in an open and honest way. That said, you can always approach someone after the meeting and offer help, ask questions, or make polite suggestions in a discreet way. In fact, that’s what “fellowship” is all about.

2. Stick to the time limit (or try to).

To allow as many members as possible to share, most discussion meetings will have a time limit for sharing. What that is depends on the meeting, but it’s usually in the 3–5 minute range. There will often be a designated timekeeper (especially at larger meetings) who’ll keep an eye on the clock and give a gentle reminder (usually by raising their hand) when time’s up. Of course, we don’t have to stop mid-sentence — it’s just a signal to start wrapping things up.

3. Stick to the subject (unless it ties into recovery).

As the AA Preamble states, the meetings have a specific purpose — to share our experience with alcohol. (This is not the time to share our new frittata recipe or our predictions for the latest season of Love Is Blind.) 

That said, if the story relates to our recovery, it’s fair game. And let’s face it, especially in the early days, pretty much everything does. If we’ve been drinking heavily for a long time, chances are many aspects of our lives — including our culinary endeavors and TV program choices — have either been affected by, or perhaps became triggers for, our drinking. If so, it’s good to get things off our chest and share away!

Some meetings might have a discussion topic that is introduced at the start of the meeting. Common ones include “gratitude in recovery,” “the importance of fellowship,” “living life on life’s terms,” and other broad but relevant subjects. If that’s the case, we should try to relate our share to the chosen topic, but we shouldn’t feel compelled to do so if there’s something we need to get off our chest. In the end, all meetings are for helping each other stay sober — that’s always the top priority.

4. Stick to your own story.

When we hear others share their struggles, it can be tempting to jump in with “solutions.” But when it comes to AA, there’s a time and a place for that — and that time is not during the meeting. Instead, try to phrase any suggestions in terms of your own experience to avoid giving what might be perceived as unsolicited advice (or that cross talk we mentioned earlier). Here are some examples:

• “I found that exercise is a great craving-buster. It really helps me get my mind off alcohol.”
• “When I was struggling with going to work events that involve booze, I found that bringing a sober friend along helped a ton.”

Remember, we can always approach another member after the meeting to see if they want to chat! In fact, even if we find that AA isn’t right for us after all, we might end up making lasting friendships with those in the same boat. So feel free to connect with people in more informal ways outside of meetings — they could end up being a valuable support system (and might also be looking for AA alternatives).

5. “What you hear here stays here.”

The fact that AA is meant to be a safe space to share our stories without sensitive information leaving the room is the cornerstone of AA. After all, it’s in the name: we can expect to remain anonymous. There’s an AA saying that some groups repeat at the beginning of each meeting: “What you hear here, whom you see here, let it remain here, when you leave here!” And they mean it! Blabbing about someone else’s bender to the outside world is a huge no-no. 

Just think about it: Would you want someone else to tell their friends or family about the number of beers you fessed up to drinking this St. Patrick’s Day, or the fight you had with your partner about those empty bottles at the back of your closet? Plus, those stories have a way of making it back to our nosy neighbors, coworkers, or in-laws, so it’s best for everyone to keep what they hear to themselves.

6. Avoid self-pity and blame.

Sharing honestly is encouraged, but any “woe is me” talk is likely to be frowned upon. Personal responsibility is huge in AA, and while we obviously can talk about pressures we’re experiencing from others or difficulties we’re having in our relationships, it’s important to make sure we’re sticking to “our side of the street” and not blaming our problems on someone else. It’s all about what we can control — and while we don’t have to like the rest, sometimes we just need to accept it.

AA “Taboos”: What Not Say in AA Meetings

Now, we come to the “unofficial” guidelines about what might not be such a great idea to say in one of those church basements. Rather than rules, they are bits of friendly advice from members on avoiding potentially unpleasant interactions.

1. “There are other ways to get sober.” (Even though there are.)

Now, we’re certainly not saying there aren’t other ways to get sober. In fact, many find that some of the more science-based AA alternatives work better for them than the “spiritual but not religious” steps of AA.  For a deep dive, check out “Best AA Alternatives.” Just don’t mention them at an AA meeting — it might get people stirred up, and there’s no point trying to talk an AA advocate out of their views that 12 Step programs are the be-all and end-all of recovery. 

2. “I plan to go back to moderate drinking.” (Even if you're thinking about it.)

As far as AA is concerned, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. And while the AA view of alcoholism as a type of “allergy” is less than scientific, there actually is science behind the risks of someone with alcohol use disorder (AUD) drinking again. That said, the question of moderate drinking might be on our mind, especially if we’re at the stage of wanting to explore a sober-curious lifestyle or are interested in cutting back rather than quitting completely.

3. “I just want to cut back.” (Even if that’s where you are right now.)

There’s no wiggle room when it comes to ”just cutting back” in AA. The AA fellowship is for folks who have decided booze isn’t for them — period. If we’re wanting to explore a sober-curious lifestyle for health reasons, try a Dry January or Sober October challenge, or simply cut back (at least for now), saying so could get us the side-eye from other members. Some might even approach us after the meeting in an effort to “clarify” some things we might be “missing” about our relationship with booze. Rest assured, they mean well, but their efforts might not sit well with you, so keep this in mind!

4. “I don’t need a Higher Power.” (Even though you’re free to chart your own course.)

Finally, as we already mentioned, spirituality is huge in AA, and challenging the “Higher Power” concept isn’t going to land well. That said, we should feel free to choose a path that’s right for us. Let’s look at some alternatives!

Looking for AA Alternatives?

What if AA isn’t working for you? For a deep dive, check out the other blogs we mentioned earlier. For now, here’s a brief overview.

• Therapy. Therapy provides personalized, science-based solutions. Approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) help us restructure our thoughts around alcohol. The result? We physically change our neural pathways, rewiring our brain!
• Other support groups. Other groups offer support without the “spiritual” flavor. Groups such as SMART Recovery are based on science and offer camaraderie as well.
• Technology. Technology can be the best of all worlds. Apps like Reframe are a library of science-based resources, a treasure trove of coping techniques, and a supportive community all in one. And it’s right there, in the palm of your hand!

It doesn’t matter which road you take to recovery, and the decision is a personal one! The most important thing is finding what works for you.

Summing Up

Whatever path you choose, the main thing to remember is that you've made a commitment to a brighter future by changing your relationship with alcohol. Only good things await! The rest, ultimately, is details. And here at Reframe we’re happy to support you every step of the way, to be there for you when things get rough, and to celebrate your wins!