The 4 Stages of Living Alcohol-Free

Think about the last time you tried something new. Maybe you tried a new exercise class, sport or game, or decided to pick up an instrument or learn a new language. Whatever it was, we can probably all agree that learning a new skill takes time, patience, and practice. We’re bound to make mistakes as we go. But these mistakes ultimately help us get better.

Learning not to drink alcohol (and living an alcohol free life) after years of regular drinking is much like developing a new skill: it also takes time, patience, and practice. We’ll likely go through different phases and experience a wide range of emotions — from triumph and joy to frustration and disappointment.

This is completely normal! In fact, film theorist Nöel Burch proposed that to acquire any new skill, we go through four stages of alcohol recovery before we reach a place of “mastery.” These stages can also be applied to the process of learning to live an alcohol-free life: it might be full of ups and downs, and trials and errors, but we can master it. What are the steps of recovery? Let’s take a closer look at the stages of quitting alcohol below.

Stage 1: Asleep

Any time we learn something new, it usually starts from a place of “I don’t know what I don’t know,” where we’re “asleep” without any conscious or unconscious awareness. This is especially true when it comes to cutting back on drinking alcohol. At this stage of the recovery process, we tend to live in a state of ignorant bliss, unaware of our need to cut back on our drinking.

We believe that alcohol provides us pleasure and comfort, and we drink as much and as often as we like. The idea of learning to live an alcohol-free life isn’t even on our radar.

Stage 2: Awareness

The second stage starts with “I know what I don’t know,” where we become aware of the need to cut back on drinking alcohol. However, even though we realize that alcohol might be negatively affecting us, we usually subconsciously continue to believe that alcohol provides certain benefits. This can create a lot of inner turmoil and tension, as part of us thinks, “I need to make a change,” but another part of us just isn’t ready.

This can be a particularly difficult stage of the recovery process: we’re constantly being pulled in two different directions, which can cause frustration, discomfort, and agony. Furthermore, we might be overcome with shame and guilt when our efforts to cut back on alcohol don’t appear to be working. But, as with any new skill, the slip ups and setbacks are all part of the learning process.

Stage 3: Awake

This is the “I know what I know” stage, when we’re not only fully aware of the need to cut back on alcohol, but we become capable of doing so. The frustration and pain from the previous stage are slowly replaced by conscious effort and self-discipline, allowing us to take actionable steps toward reducing or stopping our alcohol consumption.

However, in this stage, we still might have the feeling that we’re missing out on something by not drinking alcohol. Although we’re consciously changing our behavior, we might still wrestle with underlying beliefs about alcohol, which can lead to feelings of deprivation that require conscious effort to manage. In fact, this stage often requires significant mental effort and willpower due to the misalignment between conscious and subconscious desires. It wouldn’t be unusual for us to feel exhausted or drained from the energy we’re putting towards not drinking.

Stage 4: Alive

The fourth and final stage is the “I can forget what I know,” when not-drinking requires little to no conscious mental effort. In other words, we have mastered the skill of living an alcohol-free life.

In this stage, our old beliefs about alcohol have been replaced by a new set of beliefs rooted in the detrimental effects of alcohol. In other words, on both the conscious and subconscious level, we no longer believe that alcohol has much to offer us. The inner tension we used to experience has dissolved, and abstaining has become second nature: there’s no questioning whether we should drink or not.

Moving Through the Steps of Recovery: Tips

While we go through these four stages of alcohol recovery, try to remember that setbacks are normal — and trial and error is inevitable. If we’ve grown accustomed to drinking on a regular basis, we can’t expect to become alcohol-free overnight. But there are certain things we can do to help ourselves through the recovery process. Here are some tips:

• Don’t keep alcohol in the house. We can’t rely on willpower alone to sustain us. On hard days, it becomes more difficult to resist “treating” ourselves to alcohol. Try not to keep any alcohol in the house to avoid this temptation.
• Meditate on your why. On days we’re struggling, it can be helpful to meditate on why we’ve eliminated alcohol from our life. Was it for our family? For health reasons? Did we want to just feel better, happier, and more productive with our life? Reminding ourselves of our goals can help keep us focused on why we want to stay alcohol-free.
• Forgive yourself. This is an important one, particularly if we have a slip-up. Feeling guilty and berating ourselves will only cause more negative feelings, which might make us more inclined to drink again. Remember this is a journey that takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself and practice self-compassion.
• Join a support group. There’s no shame in joining a support group, as it reminds us we’re not alone on our journey and helps keep us accountable. Try finding friends or other people who are also living alcohol-free. If our friends are unsupportive of our decision, it’s probably time to find new friends.

Finally, consider joining Reframe. We’ve helped millions of people change their relationship with alcohol and lead healthier lives. Plus we connect with you other like-minded individuals who are on a similar journey toward better health and wellness. You don’t have to go through this process alone!