Redefining Connections: How Alcohol and Sobriety Affect Friendships

You’re at a party surrounded by people. But since you’re not drinking, you might wonder if you’re lacking authentic connections with others. You’ve decided to make the commitment to sobriety, but now you find yourself thinking: “I have no friends because I don’t drink.” If you’re thinking this, you’re not alone. These are common feelings, but there are a lot of myths surrounding them! Contrary to popular belief, alcohol doesn’t strengthen friendships. In fact, it normally does the opposite because of the way alcohol affects our behavior and perception. 

Alcohol can give us a false sense of connection, so when we stop drinking, we might feel lonely, like we’ve severed the ties to our friends we used to drink with. Navigating this change can be difficult, but it’s a key step in developing more authentic friendships and connections.

How Does Alcohol Affect Friendships?

It’s just a drink, right? Not exactly. Alcohol might seem like just a choice of beverage, but it can have a major impact on our friendships and connections. Let’s see how:

The “Social Glue” 

At first glance, alcohol can seem like the thing that brings people together. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions, making it easier to talk to others. We might be more open to meeting new people, giving us the false impression that alcohol might mean more friends. 

Alcohol also boosts the release of our “feel-good” hormones dopamine and serotonin, giving us a temporary sense of pleasure and connection. On top of that, sharing a drink with others can help us feel closer to them. As a result, our friendships and the things we do together can start to revolve around alcohol. But hey, it’s a good time, right? 

It might seem like it at first, but the truth is that alcohol is a mind-altering drug that changes the way we think and act. That camaraderie we feel with those around us when we drink can feel like connection, but it can also lead to inauthentic friendships. Let’s see how things can take a turn. 

Things Get Sticky

We might feel good when we’re drinking, but alcohol's depressant effects kick in shortly after that first sip. Our mood can drop, we might feel anxious, and to top it off, we’re also not feeling our best physically, especially the morning after. When our friendships revolve around drinking, we might just be looking forward to our next “hangout,” but in the meantime, we might feel lonely and empty, leading to anxious attachment and a greater drive to drink with friends. 

This might lead to alcohol dependence. Maybe we start to drink more than our friends and it’s hard to stop. They may not agree or show concern about our drinking habits, also potentially affecting our friendships.

Not only that, but peer pressure among friends can affect friendships. In fact, one study in the UK found that 85% of people have at some point been pressured by their friends to drink more. If we don’t want to drink more but we do anyway, we might resent those friends later, and if we decide not to drink despite the pressure, we might feel judged. Not good either way!

As we can see, alcohol may seem like the “social glue” and the core of our friendships, but things can quickly get messy. 

If you’re looking to develop more authentic connections and want to take that step toward sobriety, keep reading! We’ll explore how quitting alcohol can also affect friendships, so we can better navigate the situation.

How Can Sobriety Affect Friendships?

We just said that sobriety brings more genuine connections with others, and while this is true, it may come with its own challenges at the beginning. Since alcohol gives us a false sense of connection, when we quit drinking, it may seem like we’re losing all our friends. 

You’ve gone sober and you're left wondering “Why does my friend treat me differently now?” If the friendship revolved around drinking, it might seem like you don’t have much in common now. Navigating friendships during our sobriety journey can be complex. While it might seem as if we’re losing friends, our journey gives us a chance to develop new friendships that better align with our new lifestyle. And it’s possible that those new friends will enjoy us for who we are and not because we’re drinking. But to accomplish this transition, we need to first recognize that alcohol gives us a false sense of connection.

Overcoming the Mentality of “I Have No Friends Because I Don’t Drink”

When we overcome this feeling, we help ourselves open up to new friendships and redefine our inner circle. Here are some tips: 

• Understand alcohol’s impact. Recognizing that alcohol gives us a false sense of connection helps us realize that we’re not missing out on anything. Alcohol’s buzz can quickly result in an angry argument, an embarrassing slip of the tongue, or any other awkward situation that actually harms our friendships rather than strengthening them.
• Focus on what we have. It’s natural for our brain to focus on the negative. This is known as negativity bias. When we shift our focus to the things we’re gaining in sobriety, we can develop a more positive attitude, allowing us to be more open to connecting with others. 
• Open up to others. Finding new friends (especially as adults) can be challenging. The key is to be open to connecting with others. Introduce yourself to the person standing next to you in yoga class, or strike up a conversation with a new coworker.
• Find friends whose values align with our own. We might lose our “drinking buddies,” but by developing new friendships, we have the opportunity to meet and connect with others who might share the same values we have now. And who knows, maybe some of those drinking buddies will also join in the sober activities, and we can explore new sides of the friendship!

Now that we’re ready to meet new people, where do we begin? Is AA or any other support group the way to meet new friends?

Sober Friends vs. AA and Other Support Groups

The focus of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and other support groups is to help us overcome negative drinking habits with the support of others. While it’s not exactly like Bumble BFF, it can be a great way to meet people who have similar values or are going through a similar experience. 

However, it’s not the only way to make friends, and there can be some downsides. In a support group, others may also be struggling with their relationship with alcohol. As we’re making progress, others struggling or relapsing can be triggering. Plus, it can be easy to compare our journey to others, jeopardizing our own progress.

While support groups can be a way to meet new friends, we can also branch out. Let’s explore some practical strategies to help us redefine our inner circle.

Tips for Finding Sober Friends

Not all our friends need to be sober to respect our choices, but having sober friends can be beneficial. They might feel few and far between with the way alcohol is often integrated into our social settings, but these practices can help us develop our sober friendships. 

• Be open to others. Oftentimes we’re more closed off than we think. For example, maybe we go into a support group only seeing it as a way to develop more positive drinking habits, and there’s no time for meeting new people. Practice striking up conversations with others and make yourself more approachable. 
• Explore hobbies and passions. Doing what we love is a great way to find people with similar interests. Join a new workout class or start a hiking club in your community to meet new people.
• Inspire others. Friends have strong influences on one another. Have you ever found yourself using the same lingo or picking up on their mannerisms? One way to develop sober friendships is to inspire those around you to also engage in healthy habits. 
• Let go of comparison. We might see others partying with massive friend groups, making it seem like we have no friends in comparison. When we let go of comparison to others, we can recognize what we do have — closer, more authentic friendships. 
• Be yourself. In the words of Roy T. Bennet, “You attract who you are being.” Stay true to yourself and your values, and others with the same values will eventually gravitate towards you. 

These tips can help us redefine our friendships and navigate the disruptions that alcohol and sobriety can have on our relationships.

Clarity and Authentic Connections

Now that we understand how alcohol negatively affects our friendships, we can navigate the feeling of losing friends after committing to sobriety. Instead of losing friends, we’re gaining more authentic connections and finding people around us who support us and our values. As Tennessee Williams said, “Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.” And the nice thing about friends is that there’s always room for more of them.