How To Help an Alcoholic in Denial

It might start small. Maybe they seem to be going out every weekend. Then the weekend starts on Thursday, then Wednesday. First, the reasons to drink might sound more like reasons to celebrate. (“It’s trivia night! It’s Margarita Wednesday at the bar!”) Then excuses and justifications start coming up. (“It was a work event — I had to drink, or I’d stand out.” “A friend was in town this Tuesday, she dragged me to this bar, I wasn’t even planning to go.” “I had a rough lunch with the in-laws, that calls for a margarita, doesn’t it?”) Then come the hurtful comments, the wine breath in the middle of the afternoon, the bottles you happen to see sticking out of the hamper or hear as they clink in their backpack. 

The problem? They say they’re fine. That they’re in control. That it was a one-time thing. Whatever the situation is, though, you know it’s only going to get worse. But what can you do? You take your questions to Google, searching “how to talk to an alcoholic in denial,” “do alcoholics know they are alcoholics,” and so forth. Until you’re thoroughly confused. Everyone has something different to say about alcoholism denial, and you’re no closer to getting an actual answer. Let’s clear it up, shall we?

The Roots of Alcoholism Denial 

First things first: let’s take a step back and see what we’re dealing with. Most of us will come into contact with the negative effects of alcohol on someone close to us, and some of us might even struggle with it ourselves. Alcohol has a sneaky way of taking over — not just our evenings, but months, years, and decades of our lives. 

Here’s how Annie Grace describes it in This Naked Mind: “Alcohol erases a bit of you every time you drink it. It can even erase entire nights when you are on a binge. Alcohol does not relieve stress; it erases your senses and your ability to think. Alcohol ultimately erases your self.”

But why does alcohol hold such power over some of us? And what does being an “alcoholic” actually mean? Let’s take a deeper look.

Understanding AUD

Alcoholism — better known as alcohol use disorder (AUD) in the medical community — refers to a physical dependence on alcohol that sets in after a period of misuse. It can take years (or even decades) to develop, and some of us might be more vulnerable than others for reasons that have to do with genetics, social circumstances, or emotional tendencies. Ultimately, however, nobody is immune: alcohol is an addictive substance that causes shifts in brain chemistry, making it increasingly difficult to take a step back.

The change can be gradual, and it can be hard to pinpoint when problem drinking changes into misuse and dependence. Sometimes it might be more obvious from the outside perspective, but usually the person sliding into alcohol 

Understanding the nature of alcoholism as a chronic disease can help us approach our loved one with empathy and patience. Organizations like the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism provide resources that can help deepen your understanding. Also, check out “Alcoholism: Genetic Disease or Lifestyle Choice? Debunking Myths” and “I Drink Every Night. Am I an Alcoholic?” to learn more.)

Understanding Alcoholism Denial

And denial? Well, unfortunately denial comes with the territory. In fact, it’s the running theme in most lists outlining the typical symptoms of AUD and shows up as a symptom in about 30% to over 50% of those with AUD or another substance use disorder (SUD).

Here’s how denial might show up:

• Minimizing drinking. “I only drink on weekends!” “Just a glass or two of wine, I swear!” “Everyone else at the table was drinking even more!” There are plenty of ways our mind minimizes drinking and they are signs of a problem brewing.
• Lying about drinking. Those bottles in the hamper or stashed away in the backpack we mentioned before? As drinking progresses, it tends to go “underground.” Our loved one starts lying about it more frequently to avoid confrontation. The result? Denial of the problem both to themselves and to others.
• Neglecting responsibilities. As AUD progresses, it tends to take over and other responsibilities — family, friends, work — fall by the wayside. Our loved one might start being habitually late, missing appointments, and “ghosting” their friends.
• Drinking in spite of health problems. While signs of obvious problems — such as acute liver injury or brain damage — might be months (or even years) away, bit by bit health problems start to become more and more noticeable. Alcohol misuse strains the heart, causing spikes in blood pressure and heart rate. It weakens the immune system, leading to frequent illnesses. Frequent bouts of heavy drinking lead to fatigue, irritability, forgetfulness, and a host of other symptoms that become more and more difficult to ignore. And yet the person caught in its grips might continue denying the problem, attributing the health issues to anything but the real cause.
• Jeopardizing relationships. Along with taking a toll on health, alcohol wreaks havoc on personal relationships. Our friend or family member might become unrecognizable when under the influence, saying and doing things that seem out of character, making others keep their distance or avoid their company altogether.
• Isolation. They might begin to withdraw in order to avoid confrontation. (Denial is a full-time job, and it gets draining. It becomes easier just to avoid the questions altogether.)
• Experiencing blackouts and withdrawal. Blackouts — memory gaps caused by acute intoxication are serious and can potentially lead to brain damage. Withdrawal symptoms that set in when someone who has been drinking heavily suddenly stops are another serious sign. And yet, someone caught in the grip of AUD might minimize both (“So what if I forgot what we talked about — or even that we talked at all!” “I’m just under the weather, nothing to see here!”). 

The way these signs show up might be different from one person to the next, but the overall trend is clear: things are getting worse, and they’re getting worse quickly. Faced with this realization, we might find ourselves feeling desperate for a lifeline. But what can we do?

How To Help an Alcoholic in Denial

If you’re wondering how to talk to an alcoholic in denial, you’re not alone. Thousands of others have been in the difficult position you’re in today. And while the road ahead might be a long one, rest assured that recovery is possible! In the meantime, there are several tangible ways you can help your loved one start their journey.

1. Provide a Safe Space

First and foremost: it’s important to make our loved one feel safe to talk about what’s happening in a nonjudgmental environment. While it might seem as if they are oblivious to the problem, chances are there’s already an internal struggle going on inside them. Sometimes all it takes is an opportunity to let it out and reveal what’s going on to someone they trust.

To help them share their experience, be prepared to listen more than you talk. Don’t worry that you’re not “doing enough,” and don’t get overly involved in planning their path to recovery — there will be time for that in the future. The journey has to start with an active decision on their part, and this might take some time. Be patient, be there, and simply listen. Allowing your loved one to express their thoughts and feelings without interruption can foster openness and reduce defensiveness.

When you do talk, try to use "I" statements to express your concerns without sounding accusatory. For example, say, "I feel worried about how much you're drinking, and I care about your health," instead of "You're always drinking too much!"

(Want to dig deeper? Check out “How To Help a Friend Who Is Struggling With Alcohol Misuse” and “Supporting a Loved One: How To Help an Alcoholic on the Path to Recovery.)

2. Avoid Enabling

It can be difficult to tell where the line between being empathic and enabling is, but it’s an important one. Enabling can take many forms, but the bottom line is that it can unintentionally prolong both the denial and the addiction. Here are some examples:

• Covering for their behaviors. Something as simple as telling a “little white lie” to cover for a drinking episode could seem innocent at first glance. “Maybe she’s just embarrassed, so what if I help her out by calling her work and saying she’s down with a bout of food poisoning? After all, we all have a few too many sometimes — and in a way, it’s kind of ‘food poisoning,’ isn’t it?” Unfortunately, though our intentions might be in the right place, the result is that we end up tacitly condoning the behavior, increasing the chances that it will continue.
• Contributing to their habits. Pouring another glass of wine for someone when they insist — even though we can tell they’re slipping into dangerous territory — can be a form of enabling as well. While we might be trying to avoid conflict in the short term, it’s important to listen to our intuition on this one.
• Making excuses. Similar to covering for someone’s behavior under the influence, making excuses to others who might be less aware of the problem can ultimately do more harm than good. “He’s had a hard day at work,” or “She just didn’t have time to eat dinner before we went out, so it hit her extra hard” — whatever the excuse might be, it’s probably not doing our loved one any favors in the long run.
• Taking over their responsibilities. Once again, we might be inclined to do this from good intentions, but it’s unlikely to do our loved one any good long term. Taking care of household chores, picking up their kids from school, or even taking their dog out for a walk is all well and good once in a while (we all need a little help sometimes), but if it becomes a habit, it veers into enabling.

Difficult as it may be, it’s crucial to set boundaries in these situations. If possible, talk to your friend or loved one when they’re sober to make sure you’re on the same page. Be clear about what the boundaries are, and then make sure to stick to them. For example, you might decide not to be around them when they are drinking, not to cover for them when it comes to explaining their behavior to others, or not to take over their responsibilities at work or at home. (To learn more, take a look at “What Does It Mean Enabling an Alcoholic?”)

3. Find Windows of Opportunity

They get more and more rare, but they happen. Try to catch them before they close, as they’re precious moments when your loved one might be more receptive to help. 

Sometimes windows of opportunity open during moments of clarity, when the horror of the situation suddenly hits home. Other times they might come up during times when it becomes impossible to ignore the effects that alcohol is having on your loved one’s life — for example, right after losing a job or a partner. Be gentle, but be present. If they’re going to be receptive to help and honest advice, this is the time.

4. Offer Resources

The window is open? Hooray! Let’s grab the opportunity.

Gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a professional, such as a therapist or a doctor. Print out the information or write it down clearly. Remember, for someone who is under the influence a good part of the day, simple things become a challenge. (It’s not a dig, it’s just the reality of the situation.)

Don’t be discouraged or take it personally if they stash it in the back of the closet, throw it in the wastebasket, or even tell you off. Chances are, they’ll fish it out of the trash when you leave and might at least look it over and stow it away for future reference (trust us, it’s been known to happen!). When the moment is right, this information could be lifesaving.

If they do decide to take you up on the offer, do what you can to make it possible. Make calls to detox centers, get in touch with members of groups, and drive them to appointments if you can. Help is there and it’s available, but logistics can sometimes get in the way, especially with the fog of AUD making daily tasks difficult. You’re doing an amazing job, and every little bit helps — don’t underestimate the power of these “small” gestures!

5. Tell Your Story

Last but certainly not least, if you’ve been where your loved one is yourself, share your story. There’s absolutely nothing as valuable as knowing that someone who has been caught in the same trap has found a way out. Don’t share details if you don’t want to, but please share the hope. It can be a lifeline. 

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

Finally, don’t lose hope in the process, daunting as it may be. As Russell Brand writes in Recovery: Freedom from Our Addiction, “You need only allow gentle hope to enter your heart. Exhale and allow hope, and give yourself some time. This is a process of change that requires a good deal of self-compassion, which is neither stagnant nor permissive. We can just start by being a little kinder to ourselves and open to the possibility that life doesn’t have to be bloody awful.” Trust the millions who’ve been where you are and found a light at the end of the tunnel.