How To Handle Criticism and Negativity in Recovery

The characters on Seinfeld are fountains of criticism and negativity of all types. Whenever someone else criticizes or ridicules him (which happens often), George Constanza all but explodes in anger and resentment, one time to the point of driving across the country just to deliver a comeback to a sarcastic quip a coworker makes about his lunch choice. Another time, George is determined to receive his “apology” from his newly sober friend working the 12 Steps of AA. When the friend moves on to the next step and George still hasn’t gotten his amends for a perceived slight, he confronts him and demands that his sponsor “hold him back.” Instead, the sponsor judiciously takes him to a much-needed Rageaholics Anonymous meeting. (Yes, that’s a real thing.)

This is TV, of course, and real life is more complex. But the examples above illustrate types of criticism and negativity that are important to consider on our alcohol journey. How does negative thinking in addiction recovery affect us? How do we separate constructive criticism from the toxic kind? And where can we find some sobriety encouragement when plagued by self-criticism or negativity directed at our recovery approach? Let’s dig deeper!

Not All Criticism Is Created Equal

Criticism as such isn’t necessarily “bad” or negative. Occasionally, people are just being jerks, and other times criticism might be warranted, whether it’s coming from someone else or from our own “inner critic.” The key is in how we respond to all of it and make it work for us rather than against us.

Let’s look at four types of criticism and see how we can respond to each one in ways that benefit rather than hinder our recovery.

1. Constructive Criticism Helps Us Grow

“An acquaintance merely enjoys your company, a fair-weather companion flatters when all is well, a true friend has your best interests at heart and the pluck to tell you what you need to hear.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

Sometimes, friends, family members, or even strangers might point out something about the way we’re living life that’s not serving us well. Here are the hallmarks:

• It “rings true.” Constructive criticism usually feels true, even if we don’t want to hear it. That kernel of truth is palpable and hard to dismiss.
• It’s meant well. Intentions matter: the person isn’t pointing out our flaws or mistakes just for kicks — they care about us and want to see us be the best version of ourselves. In fact, honesty, even when it’s hard to receive, is a key component of true friendship. For example, our partner might point out that we’re uncorking a second bottle of wine with dinner because they’re worried about our health. A coworker might notice that we came to work with a hangover and warn us that this isn’t the way to get a promotion (or even keep the job, for that matter). They wish they didn’t have to say it, but it’s true — so they do.
• It’s specific and actionable. Constructive criticism means there’s either time to do something about the situation or, if not, to learn from it and not repeat it in the future. We might be sliding into the alcohol trap as our wine habit starts getting the better of us, but there’s time to do something about it by quitting or cutting back. As for that workplace hangover, well, history doesn’t have to repeat itself.

The best thing to do about this kind of criticism is to see it as an opportunity to grow and change. Here’s how Winston Churchill put it in his 1939 New Statesman interview:

“Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body; it calls attention to the development of an unhealthy state of things. If it is heeded in time, danger may be averted; if it is suppressed, a fatal distemper may develop.” 

Neuroscience insight: Scientist Donald Hebb discovered that “neurons that fire together, wire together.” This applies to criticism as well, both constructive and toxic. Whatever way we or others talk to ourselves, our brain adapts to these thoughts. We can look at constructive criticism as a window of opportunity, a way to activate brain areas involved in problem solving and innovation, rather than as something negative, and the brain will respond in a more positive way.

2. Nonconstructive Criticism Doesn’t Serve Us

“Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn — and most fools do.” ― Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

Nonconstructive criticism, on the other hand, is a different story:

• It’s negative. Nonconstructive criticism comes with a sting and leaves an unpleasant aftertaste. It might be an outright spiteful comment (“You’ll never find a partner — you’re too self-absorbed!”) or a subtle jab (“Some people are just too into themselves!”), but either way, it leaves us feeling hurt and discouraged.
• It’s personal. This type of criticism goes for our character and comes as a personal jab.
• It’s not helpful. This brings us to our last point — nonconstructive criticism doesn’t get us anywhere. Without specific actionable points, it doesn’t offer useful pathways for us to change or improve.

The worst part? This “toxic” type of criticism can become the breeding ground for negative thinking in recovery. Spurred on by “negativity bias,” (which we’ll talk about later) we might get discouraged, decide that recovery is too hard, and ditch our efforts to change altogether. Sadly, nonconstructive criticism can also be a recipe for relapse.

What can we do about it? We’ll talk strategy in more detail later on, but for now let’s consider the “notice, shift, rewire” technique. Once again, it comes down to harnessing neuroplasticity — our brain’s remarkable ability to change itself. Just as it helps us make necessary changes as a result of constructive criticism, it helps us reframe and rewire our own response to unwarranted negativity. 

The gist of “notice, shift, and rewire”? It’s pretty much all in the name. As you probably guessed, there are three steps:

• Notice. Take a moment to observe the negative comment. Is there any truth to it?
• Shift. Instead of pulling a “George Costanza” and firing back with a comeback, shift to a different state of mind. For example, think of something you’re grateful for or picture something that makes you smile.
• Rewire. In time, it will get easier and easier to let the negativity go by without jumping on board with it.

Neuroscience insight: Nonconstructive criticism activates the brain’s threat response, making it harder to remain calm and think clearly. Knowing this reaction helps us spot nonconstructive criticism and helps not internalize it.

The Neuroscience of Negativity

It’s worth taking a deeper look into why nonconstructive criticism — the kind that fosters negativity — is so toxic. Don’t get discouraged, though — we’ve got lots of tips on how to shift to a positive mindset!

Did you know that we’re actually biologically wired for “negative” thinking to some degree? This relic of our evolutionary past — once essential to our survival — is known as the “negativity bias.”

Back in the day, it was meant to protect us: if a group of prehistoric neighbors woke us up by banging on the walls of our cave, it wouldn’t behoove us to assume they were coming to say hello or borrow a coconut. 

These days, however, the negativity bias that some of us have doesn’t always serve us well. It makes us assume the worst when someone doesn’t accept our Facebook friend request, think we’ll never succeed when a job interview doesn’t end in an offer, or fear the worst when waiting for our test results from the doctor.

Even worse? Negativity impacts our brain and sends us into “stress mode,” which takes a toll — even if things turn out well. In the words of neuroscientist Rick Hanson, “Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.”

Here’s how negative thoughts affect you:

• The amygdala fires up. The amygdala, the brain’s emotional center, detects threats and triggers the "fight or flight" response. When negativity ramps up, this area lights up, causing stress and emotional discomfort.
• Cortisol and adrenaline release gets us into “fight or flight” mode. Remember those angry prehistoric neighbors? When they come knocking, it’s “go time.” The release of hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline direct our body’s resources toward essential functions, such as breathing, fighting back, or making a quick getaway. Stuff like digestion gets put on hold temporarily — plenty of time for that later.
• The prefrontal cortex goes offline. This is no time to gaze at the stars and make up names for constellations. The stress response induced by negativity or criticism puts a temporary lid on the prefrontal cortex — the hub of higher-order reasoning and self-control. The result? We’re much more likely to fire back at that negative comment with a few choice words of our own.

Now that we have an idea about how negativity affects us, let’s take a closer look at how it can impact our recovery.

Recovery-Related Negativity Can Derail Us (But Doesn’t Have To!)

“You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never leaves town.” ― Anne Lamott, Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith

The negative effects of nonconstructive criticism can be especially toxic to our recovery efforts. It’s important to recognize it for what it is, so we can find sobriety encouragement!

We’ve done the hard part — we put down that glass (or bottle, or pitcher, or soup thermos we were hiding booze in). But even though the “monkey is off our back,” the “circus” — those around us who might criticize our recovery, question the changes we’ve made, or challenge our approach — is still in town.

This type of negativity can come from a number of different directions, but one thing is almost always true: it’s usually about them, not about us. Here are some examples:

• “Why can’t you just have one drink?”
• “You should be over this by now.”
• “You’re more fun when you drink!”

Remember, people who truly care about our well-being and are comfortable with their own relationship with alcohol will never challenge us in this way. That said, it’s always good to keep an open mind — many people might mean well but not realize that what they’re saying is having a negative effect. We’re all human!

Reframing Recovery-Related Negativity

The main problem with recovery-related criticism? It tends to be super triggering. It can activate the amygdala, leading to heightened stress and potentially increased cravings. But there are lots of ways to counter it with some handy neuroscience-based techniques. We’ll take a closer look at one in particular, known as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

CBT uses what’s known as cognitive reframing. To learn more about CBT, take a look at “How Can Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Help With Alcohol Misuse?” For now, here’s what you need to know:

• CBT is all about uncovering thought distortions. For example, remember that “friend” who was pressuring us to have a drink? It’s easy to feel left out and buy into the criticism that we’re “no fun.” But what if the idea that “you need alcohol to have fun” is a distortion? In CBT terms, it might fall into “fortune-telling” (or jumping to conclusions), especially if we rephrase it as “I won’t be fun to be around unless I’m drinking.”
• Once we unmask the distorted thought, we can reframe it. In our example, we could swap out the distorted thought for one that better aligns with reality: “My true friends like me for who I am, and I don’t need a drink to be myself. In fact, it’s easier to let my lovable authentic personality shine without it!”

See what we did here? We just reframed two thoughts with one cognitive behavioral “stone.” We’re left feeling better about ourselves, and we reduced our alcohol cravings in one go!

Self-Criticism Can Fuel Negative Thinking in Addiction Recovery (But We Can Change Course!)

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ― Louise L. Hay, You Can Heal Your Life

Just like other types of criticism, not all self-criticism is bad — sometimes realizing that we’ve gotten off track is exactly what we need to switch gears and make necessary changes in our life. 

However, sometimes negativity is like an addiction in itself. When we criticize ourselves in a way that’s unhelpful, the brain networks that are activated resemble those involved in habits and addictions:

• The default mode network (DMN) takes over. The DMN is the brain’s “power saving” mode. DMN circuits are involved in self-referential thinking and rumination — nothing new to see here! Science shows that the DMN takes over when we engage in addictive behaviors as well as when we get stuck in negative thought patterns about ourselves. The two can even fuel each other!
• The balance of neurotransmitters gets thrown off. Alcohol throws off our delicate neurochemistry by boosting dopamine (the reward neurotransmitter that keeps us hooked), increasing GABA (an excitatory neurotransmitter), and lowering glutamate (its inhibitory counterpart). When we stop drinking, it takes our brain some time to go back to producing dopamine naturally and to restore balance across the board. No wonder early recovery can be so rough! And while the brain can (and does) eventually heal itself, negative thinking doesn’t help. Instead, it can actually lead to lower dopamine and serotonin levels.
• A negative cycle is set in motion. As William Hazlitt writes in Characteristics: In the Manner of Rochefoucault's Maxims, “We are never so much disposed to quarrel with others as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves.” And it’s true! Just as alcohol misuse often becomes a self-perpetuating cycle of drinking, feeling bad about it, and craving more to relieve the pain, negative thinking patterns also tend to be cyclical. 

But don’t despair — there’s plenty we can do to get our own thoughts to work for us rather than against us.

From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion

Self-criticism can be detrimental, increasing stress and reducing motivation. However, practicing self-compassion helps rewire your brain for positivity and resilience!

First things first: self-compassion isn’t self-pity. Rather than saying, “Woe is me,” it’s all about “I matter.” And we do! Plus, acknowledging that we deserve to be treated with respect and having empathy for ourselves when facing negativity are science-backed ways to feel better. Self-compassion practices activate feel-good hormones in the brain, reducing stress and promoting emotional resilience.

We can practice self-compassion by treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a friend. Acknowledge your efforts and progress in recovery, even if others don't. Positive affirmations can work wonders to foster self-compassion! It might seem cheesy at first, but if we stick with it, repeating phrases like “I am doing my best” or “I am worthy of love and respect” helps dissolve the negativity and reprogram our mind.

More Strategies for Positive Thinking in Recovery

Finally, let’s look at some more ways to foster positive thinking in recovery in general. Remember, we’re not talking about “toxic positivity” here (only adopting positive emotions and never acknowledging negative ones). Acknowledging areas for improvement in our thought patterns is key as well, as long as we approach them with compassion. Time for some sobriety encouragement!

1. Practice Mindfulness and Self-Awareness

Mindfulness — the practice of being in the moment in a state of nonjudgmental awareness — is a gold mine when it comes to positive thinking in recovery. From the brain’s perspective, mindfulness has the opposite effect of negative criticism (whatever its source might be). To learn more, check out “Can Mindfulness Techniques Relieve Anxiety?” For now, here’s the gist:

• Mindfulness promotes neuroplasticity. The brain’s ability to change itself, known as neuroplasticity, has been linked to mindfulness practices. Observing our thoughts without reacting to them can literally rewire our brain!
• It rebalances the brain. Mindfulness also reduces stress and gets us out of “fight-or-flight” mode triggered by negativity and criticism.
• It gets us out of DMN mode. One of the best features of mindfulness? It gets us out of that “sticky” DMN autopilot mode that promotes both negative thinking and addictions.

Ready to try it? It’s easier than you might think. Simply sit in silence for a few minutes, observing your breath. Congrats — you just meditated and practiced mindfulness!

2. Build a Support Network

To build a solid recovery, we need a team behind us. Every challenging project is easier with a solid team behind us, and recovery is no different! Plus, there’s science behind it! Positive social interactions increase oxytocin levels, which promote feelings of trust and emotional bonding.

• Finding our people is the first order of business. Surrounding ourselves with supportive friends, family, or support groups who understand our journey is crucial. Sharing our experiences with others — for example, with those on the Reframe Forum — can provide comfort and perspective.
• Setting boundaries is important. Just as it’s important to invite those who help us on our journey into our “circle of trust,” it’s crucial to keep out those who don’t. We should feel free to set healthy boundaries and limit interactions with those who undermine our recovery.

Want more information? Check out “Types of Social Support and How They Work” for a deep dive.

3. Learn From Criticism

In the end, we can learn a lot from criticism. Constructive criticism, when viewed as feedback, can enhance neural plasticity and learning. And nonconstructive criticism (or any comments that foster negative thinking in addiction recovery) can make it easier to separate who’s truly on our support team from those we might be better off keeping at a distance.

A Positive Road Ahead

All in all, positive thinking in recovery is key. And here at Reframe, we’re all about positive change! We’re here to support you, help you learn how negative thoughts affect you from a scientific perspective, cheer you on when things get rough, and provide plenty of cutback or sobriety encouragement along the way. You can do it!