How To Be Confident Without Alcohol

It’s a common story, and maybe you can relate. A shy teenager throughout high school, you go to college and, after your first few drinks of that sketchy punch at a dorm party, you turn into a social butterfly. Dancing with strangers, playing beer pong in the basement, showing off your moves on the windowsill — the whole deal. You wake up next morning with a pounding headache, wishing your dorm suite had a bathroom so you wouldn’t risk locking yourself out every time you make the mid-morning trek to the bathroom. But hey, you were confident. Finally. Yay!

But does alcohol make you more confident, or is it an illusion? This so-called “liquid courage” — the stuff that makes you send embarrassing texts or tell your boss about that time you stole the basket of muffins at a company retreat — is unlikely to get us far in life in the long run. And yet, how can we be confident without booze, especially when we’ve come to rely on it? Here are some strategies to consider.

Alcohol and the “Confidence” Con

Before we get into strategies, though, let’s be clear about what we’re dealing with. What is confidence, and what does alcohol have to do with it? Why does alcohol make you confident? And does it actually deliver on its “promises”? In other words, does alcohol make you more confident, or does it just make you feel like you are?

You know that episode of Friends — the one where Rachel tells Ross that she’s been secretly in love with him but is now “over him”? While “closure,” as she calls it, is all well and good, the problem is, she leaves the message on a whim after getting plastered with a date (who is getting more and more horrified with the whole situation by the minute). Needless to say, this burst of “confidence” leads to next-day regret (and some laughs — it is a comedy, after all).

But while this story might be fictional, there’s real science behind the illusion of confidence we get under the influence. So if you’re wondering, why am I more “confident” when drunk? Here’s why.

• GABA and glutamate. Alcohol boosts the activity of GABA, an inhibitory neurotransmitter, while putting a temporary lid on glutamate, its excitatory counterpart. The result? We end up feeling calm, relaxed, and uninhibited. 


  
  Of course, that disinhibition, which can appear as “confidence,” at the beginning, is short-lived. Besides, it can go too far and turn into next-day shame and regret. Anyone who’s drunk dialed an ex knows how embarrassing it can be the next day. After all, confidence and recklessness are not the same thing. The difference between the two can mean a lot when it comes to our relationships, self-respect, and professional reputation.
• Dopamine boost. That warm, fuzzy, “everyone is our friend” sort of feeling we sometimes get after the first few sips? That’s dopamine at work. Our brain releases a flood of this feel-good reward hormone that’s part of the mesolimbic pathway of the brain that uses pleasant boosts of dopamine to reward habitual behaviors. 
  
  The problem? It doesn’t know the difference between good and bad habits. So although the reward circuit originally evolved to nudge us toward behaviors important for our survival (such as looking for delicious food or an attractive partner), it can get activated by substances such as drugs and alcohol. (For a closer look, check out “How Does Alcohol Affect Dopamine Levels?”)

As we can see, the neurotransmitter shifts triggered by alcohol create a powerful albeit short-lived and unsustainable illusion of confidence. We feel disinhibited and, well, “good” — maybe even euphoric. However, over time we need more and more of the substance to achieve the same effect. Worse still, that effect doesn’t represent authentic confidence: we may feel like we’re on top of the world, but it’s really just the booze talking. 

Inevitably, the “confidence” dissipates, leaving us worse off than before. We may have done and said things we now regret. We might not even remember those “great” conversations we felt we were having under the influence. To make a long story short, does alcohol make you more confident? No, it really doesn’t. It just makes us feel as if we are.   

How To Have “Drunk Confidence” When Sober

The great news? If we understand how our brain works, then we can tap into its true powers to develop authentic confidence without alcohol. As Anne Lamott writes in Hallelujah Anyway: Rediscovering Mercy, “... being sober delivered almost everything drinking promised.” And it’s not an exaggeration!

1. Reframe Your Thoughts

“We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.” ― Santosh Kalwar

First order of business? Finding the “thought traps” that keep us stuck in the “I need booze to feel confident” trap and dismantling them. So let’s get our toolbox ready and get going! 

What’s inside? A wealth of proven techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which works wonders when it comes to recognizing distortions — thoughts based on faulty logic that we’ve subconsciously internalized. Here are some common examples:

• “People like me more when I’m outgoing — and a drink will help me get there.” There are a couple of cognitive distortions going on here. The main one? Mind-reading. Now, most of us don’t read minds for a living, but sometimes we act as if we do. And even the professional fortune-tellers out there are probably not immune from falling into this common thought trap, especially after getting used to the assumption that booze equals confidence (and more “likes” from other people). 


  
  But what if that’s not the case? What if everyone else is much more concerned about the impression they’re making to worry about exactly how outgoing we appear to be? And more importantly, what if alcohol doesn’t actually make us more likable or fun to talk to?
• “I can’t [fill in the blank] without alcohol.” Dance, go on a first date, approach a cute stranger at a party, skinny dip in the pool — the list goes on. There are plenty of activities that feel intimidating and require confidence. And many of us think that booze will help us “get there faster.” 


  
  First, let’s consider if whatever it is we’re doing is actually a good idea (skinny dipping might not be, especially if it’s December and it’s our company’s Christmas party). But if the goal is legit (i.e., in line with what we truly want), let’s dig deeper. Can we really not dance without alcohol? Or could this be an overgeneralization (one of the most common cognitive distortions)? After all, there are plenty of cultures that don’t feature alcohol as part of the main event during big celebrations but do have people dancing ‘til dawn (or even for days on end).  

Tip: To really put this matter to rest, next time you’re in a situation requiring a level of confidence you would normally try to find in a drink, try something different. Approach it as an experiment: what’s the worst that could happen? So what if it feels awkward the first time? If in the end you end up proving to yourself that you can, indeed, dance or date without booze, it will be absolutely worth it.

2. Find Your People

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself …” ― C.S. Lewis

Confidence is internal, but it’s also all about the people we surround ourselves with. If the “posse” we travel with through life (or through our weekend outings) makes us doubt ourselves or feel like we need to act a certain way to fit in, it will be that much harder to find our groove. And that’s when alcohol might seem like a solution.

Instead, if we surround ourselves with people who build up our inner strength and love us for who we are, self-confidence will be the natural result of our interactions. Science shows that positive social interactions enhance our health, provide emotional support, and help us feel validated in a way that’s more lasting and authentic than anything alcohol can provide. 

Tip: Spend some time on your social network and think of ways to make it stronger. Do you feel comfortable sharing your goals around alcohol? If you’re having trouble finding support, check out Reframe’s 24/7 Forum where people just like you are eager to share their stories and advice. Also, take a look at “Types of Social Support and How They Work.”

3. Get Curious

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.” ― Albert Einstein

In The Little Book of Big Change, Amy Johnson talks about curiosity as a way out of our habits. In a blog post on the subject, she expands on this idea: “​​Curious means you don’t know. You’re as dumb as possible about what’s occurring. ‘What even is this?’, you wonder as you swim into the sensations you’re feeling. ‘What am I finding? What is here?’ You’re exploring it with curiosity, not to label or name it, but for the sake of exploring.”

What if we could get curious about our social anxiety (or lack of confidence) instead of reaching for alcohol as a “way out”? Getting curious about our perceived limitations or insecurities can sap them of their power in a way nothing else, including alcohol, ever can. 

It’s also helpful to get curious about the immediate situation we’re in. Annie Grace suggests a helpful exercise in This Naked Mind. When going to a party, make it a mission to learn at least 10 things about every person you talk to. Ask questions — lots of them. If nothing else, it gives us something else to focus on instead of our confidence level!

Tip: Next time you find yourself worrying about a social situation, get curious about the details. How can you describe the feeling? What situation brought it on? When does the feeling seem to ease or disappear?

4. Find Your Passion and Get in the Zone 

“Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” ― Rumi

Another great way to build confidence? Finding our passion. When we’re completely absorbed in an activity — in “the zone,” so to speak — thoughts about our perceived limitations tend to fall by the wayside. Whatever the activity is (writing, gardening, creating a photo collage, raising plants, or making a patchwork quilt) getting completely absorbed in it is the point. As we find our passion and practice our craft, we get more skilled at it. The natural fallout? Our confidence rises. Besides, “flow state” is a natural way to boost dopamine levels, keeping those alcohol cravings at bay.

Tip: Carve out a time during the day (or on the weekend) to devote to an activity that gets you in “the zone.” The key is to stick with it and make it a habit. It can be an old hobby that got sidelined when life and other responsibilities took over, or it can be something new. Then, share it with others (starting with close friends and family). After a while, you’ll build up a new dimension of your life that will naturally boost your confidence.

5. Lean Into It (and Talk It Out)

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

Many of us struggle with social anxiety, but what if it could be a source of strength rather than a weakness? If we lean into our perceived “weaknesses,” they can become a source of strength. If we explore what’s difficult for us and open ourselves up to honest conversations about self-confidence, we can find that others are in the same boat. And guess what? That natural camaraderie we tap into when we discuss our social anxiety can actually serve as a way out.

Talk therapy can also work wonders for many people, so it’s worth checking out. It’s a trial and error process, and like any relationship, it takes some time to find our groove with the right person. Don’t give up if the first one doesn’t work and keep an open mind!

Tip: Talk about the social anxiety you’re currently experiencing instead of “bottling it up.” Start with a trusted friend or family member, an online support group (like the Reframe forum!) or a therapist. Check out “The Relationship Between Social Anxiety and Alcohol Misuse” for more information and helpful tips!

Summing Up

All in all, being confident without alcohol is all about tapping into our natural strengths and passions. Let’s approach the process with curiosity — we’re on a journey of discovery, about to uncover the many facets of life that alcohol has been covering up. Soak in the range of emotions and experiences as you invite more rewards into your life than drinking could ever provide.