A team of researchers and psychologists who specialize in behavioral health and neuroscience. This group collaborates to produce insightful and evidence-based content.
Certified recovery coach specialized in helping everyone redefine their relationship with alcohol. His approach in coaching focuses on habit formation and addressing the stress in our lives.
Recognized by Fortune and Fast Company as a top innovator shaping the future of health and known for his pivotal role in helping individuals change their relationship with alcohol.
July 18, 2024
·
18
Reframe Content Team
July 18, 2024
·
18
It’s a frustrating and isolating pattern: you drink, you feel terrible about it, and that emotional pain becomes a trigger to drink again. This is the vicious cycle where the connection between alcohol and shame fuels the very habit you’re trying to change. When you’re trapped in this loop, it’s easy to feel like you lack willpower. But that isn't the truth. The heavy feeling of alcohol guilt is a common, yet powerful, barrier to recovery. This article will help you understand what is happening and give you actionable tools to break the cycle for good.
Guilt vs. Shame: What's the Difference?
What Is Drinker's Guilt?
Guilt is a feeling of remorse or regret over something you have done or failed to do. It often arises when we reflect on actions that may have hurt others or ourselves. In the context of alcohol use, guilt can stem from the recognition that one's drinking habits have led to negative consequences for themselves or their loved ones.
Breaking Down Alcohol Shame
Shame, on the other hand, is a more pervasive feeling that affects one's sense of self. It is the internalized belief that you are fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Shame in relation to alcohol use often emerges from the stigma associated with addiction, leading individuals to view themselves through a lens of inadequacy and self-loathing.
The Science Behind 'Hangxiety': Why You Feel Anxious After Drinking
If you’ve ever woken up after a night of drinking with a racing heart and a sense of dread, you’ve experienced "hangxiety." It’s that awful mix of hangover and anxiety that can make you replay every conversation from the night before, cringing at things you said or did. This feeling is a major source of guilt and shame for many people. It’s not just in your head, though; there’s real science behind why your brain goes into overdrive with worry after alcohol. Understanding what’s happening chemically and physically can help demystify the experience and reduce the self-blame that often comes with it.
How Alcohol Affects Your Brain Chemistry
Alcohol is a depressant, which means it slows down your central nervous system. It does this by mimicking a neurotransmitter called GABA, which has a calming effect, and suppressing glutamate, a neurotransmitter that creates excitement. This is why the first drink or two can make you feel relaxed and less inhibited. But your brain is smart and always strives for balance. As you drink, it starts working overtime to counteract the sedative effects by producing more glutamate and reducing its sensitivity to GABA. When the alcohol wears off, you’re left with an overstimulated brain. According to Drinkaware, this rebound effect is why "it can make feelings of anxiety, guilt, or shame much stronger" once the alcohol leaves your system.
The Role of Dehydration, Poor Sleep, and Low Blood Sugar
The mental turmoil of hangxiety is made worse by the physical stress your body is under. Alcohol is a diuretic, meaning it makes you urinate more frequently, which can lead to dehydration. This alone can cause symptoms like headaches, fatigue, and dizziness—all of which can amplify feelings of anxiety. On top of that, while alcohol might help you fall asleep faster, it disrupts the quality of your rest, particularly REM sleep. You wake up feeling exhausted and emotionally raw, making it much harder to manage anxious thoughts. Finally, alcohol can cause your blood sugar to drop, leading to shakiness, irritability, and mood swings. This physical trifecta creates the perfect storm for anxiety to thrive, turning what should be a restful morning into a period of intense emotional distress.
Understanding Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)
When drinking starts to consistently bring on feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety, it might be a sign of a larger pattern. Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) is the clinical term for what many people think of as alcohol addiction or alcoholism. It’s important to see it as a medical condition, not a moral failing or a lack of willpower. AUD exists on a spectrum, ranging from mild to severe, and it’s defined by having trouble controlling your drinking despite negative consequences. Recognizing the signs is a crucial first step in changing your relationship with alcohol and moving past the cycle of shame.
Defining Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)
So, what does AUD actually look like? According to the Mayo Clinic, "Alcohol use disorder means you have trouble controlling your drinking, think about alcohol a lot, or keep drinking even when it causes problems." It’s less about the exact number of drinks you have and more about the impact alcohol has on your life. If you find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about drinking, recovering from its effects, or continuing to drink even when it’s hurting your relationships, work, or health, it could indicate a problem. Understanding this definition can help you assess your own habits with more clarity and less judgment.
Key Symptoms: Tolerance and Withdrawal
Some of the most common signs of AUD involve changes in how your body responds to alcohol. You might notice you have a higher tolerance, meaning you need to drink more to get the same effect you used to. Another key symptom is experiencing withdrawal when you stop drinking—symptoms like shakiness, sweating, nausea, or intense anxiety. Other signs include wanting to cut back on drinking but being unable to, or giving up hobbies and activities you once loved in favor of drinking. If these experiences sound familiar, know that they are recognized symptoms of a medical condition, and there are tools and support systems, like the Reframe app, designed to help you manage them.
What Counts as a "Standard Drink"?
It’s easy to underestimate how much you’re actually drinking, especially with varying glass sizes and pour strengths. A "standard drink" in the U.S. is defined as 12 ounces of regular beer, 5 ounces of wine, or 1.5 ounces of distilled spirits. Understanding this can help you more accurately track your intake. Health experts also define binge drinking, which carries significant risks. For women, it’s typically four or more drinks in about two hours; for men, it’s five or more. If you're curious about how your consumption affects you, a Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) calculator can offer personalized insight into how different amounts of alcohol impact your body.
Common Risk Factors
No single factor causes AUD. Instead, the Mayo Clinic explains that it’s usually a combination of genetic, psychological, social, and environmental influences. If you have a family history of alcohol problems, you may be at a higher genetic risk. Psychological factors, such as depression, anxiety, or trauma, can also play a significant role, as some people use alcohol to cope with difficult emotions. Your social environment—like having friends who drink heavily or being in a culture where heavy drinking is normalized—can also contribute. Understanding these risk factors can help you see that your struggles aren't happening in a vacuum; they’re influenced by a complex web of factors beyond your control.
Long-Term Health Consequences
The emotional toll of heavy drinking is significant, but the long-term physical consequences are just as serious. Consistent, excessive alcohol use can damage nearly every organ in your body. According to the Mayo Clinic, it can lead to serious health issues like liver disease, pancreatitis, heart problems, and an increased risk for several types of cancer. While this can be scary to think about, it can also be a powerful motivator for change. Taking steps to reduce your intake isn't just about improving your mental well-being; it's a direct investment in your long-term physical health. Focusing on these positive future outcomes can be a great way to build momentum on your journey to mindful drinking.
How Guilt and Shame Affect Your Well-Being
The emotional weight of guilt and shame can be overwhelming. These feelings often exacerbate the psychological challenges already present in the journey of reducing alcohol consumption. They can lead to:
Self-Isolation: Feelings of shame can cause individuals to withdraw from their social circles, further compounding loneliness and depression.
Low Self-Esteem: Guilt and shame can erode one's self-confidence and self-worth, making it harder to believe in the possibility of change.
Relapse: These negative emotions can trigger a cycle of drinking to numb the pain, leading to relapse and perpetuating the cycle of addiction.
The Vicious Cycle: How Shame Fuels Drinking Habits
Shame doesn't just feel bad; it actively works against your efforts to change. It creates a powerful, self-perpetuating cycle where the shame you feel about your drinking habits can actually lead you to drink more. When you feel worthless or hopeless because of shame, it’s incredibly difficult to believe you deserve to get better. This emotional weight can become so heavy that turning to alcohol feels like the only way to cope, which, in turn, creates even more shame. Research supports this, showing that on days when people experience higher levels of shame, they tend to consume more alcohol if they drink alone. This pattern can trap you, making it feel impossible to break free without the right tools and support.
The Ripple Effect: How It Affects Loved Ones
The consequences of drinking don't exist in a vacuum; they ripple outward, touching the lives of those closest to you. When one person struggles with alcohol use, their loved ones often suffer greatly, experiencing intense emotional and social challenges. Partners, family members, and friends can find themselves dealing with constant anxiety, frustration, and a sense of helplessness. This shared experience can create a complicated dynamic, where feelings of shame are no longer confined to just one person. The entire family unit can begin to feel the weight of the stigma, leading to communication breakdowns and strained relationships. Acknowledging this wider impact is a crucial step in understanding the full scope of alcohol's effects and beginning the healing process for everyone involved.
Why Shame Can Be a Roadblock to Recovery
How Shame Creates a Cycle of Hopelessness
Shame is a powerful emotion that can feel all-consuming, and it often plays a starring role in the struggle with alcohol. Unlike guilt, which says, "I did something bad," shame says, "I am bad." This deep-seated feeling of being fundamentally flawed or worthless makes it incredibly difficult to believe that change is possible or that you even deserve help. When you're convinced you're a lost cause, finding the motivation to take the first step toward a healthier life feels almost impossible. This is how shame strengthens addiction, trapping you in a vicious cycle of hopelessness where drinking becomes a way to escape the very feelings that drinking itself can cause.
Understanding the Link Between Shame and Relapse
It’s a common misconception that feeling ashamed will motivate you to change your habits. In reality, it often does the opposite. Shame encourages secrecy, pushing you to hide your struggles instead of facing them. This creates a dangerous environment for relapse, as studies show that feeling ashamed about past drinking can make it more likely for someone to start drinking again. The connection is complex; for instance, research indicates that on days when people feel more shame, they are more likely to drink alone. For those who carry a heavy burden of shame, the effort to resist drinking can exhaust their self-control, potentially leading to even heavier drinking when they do give in. Hiding from the problem only allows it to grow stronger in the dark.
5 Ways to Cope with Alcohol Guilt
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion is essential in countering the negative effects of guilt and shame. Self-compassion involves treating oneself with the same kindness and understanding that one would offer to a friend in a similar situation. This can be fostered through:
Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness can help individuals become more aware of their thoughts and feelings without judgment. Recognizing and accepting emotions as they arise can reduce the intensity of guilt and shame. 7 Science-Backed Self-Compassion Exercises
Professional therapy can provide a safe space to explore and understand the roots of guilt and shame. Therapists can help individuals:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT can assist in identifying and challenging distorted thoughts related to guilt and shame, replacing them with more balanced and constructive perspectives. The Most Effective Types of Therapy for Alcohol Misuse
Group Therapy: Sharing experiences with others who have faced similar challenges can normalize feelings of guilt and shame, reducing their intensity and fostering a sense of community and support. How To Help an Alcoholic Who Doesn’t Want Help
3. Learn How to Make Amends
Taking steps to make amends for past actions can be a powerful way to alleviate guilt. This process can include:
Apologizing: Offering sincere apologies to those affected by one’s drinking can facilitate healing for all parties involved.
Restorative Actions: Engaging in actions that repair the harm done, such as volunteering or contributing positively to the community, can help rebuild a sense of purpose and self-worth.
4. Build Your Support System
A strong support system is crucial in overcoming feelings of guilt and shame. This can include:
Support Groups: Joining groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) can connect individuals with others who understand their struggles and provide mutual support and encouragement.
5. Set Realistic, Kind Goals
Setting achievable, incremental goals can help build confidence and reduce the overwhelming nature of guilt and shame. This can involve:
Short-term Goals: Setting small, manageable goals can create a sense of accomplishment and progress.
Long-term Vision: Having a clear vision for the future can provide motivation and direction, making it easier to move past negative emotions and focus on positive change.
Why Forgiveness Is a Crucial Step
Forgiveness, both of oneself and from others, is a critical component in overcoming guilt and shame. Self-forgiveness involves acknowledging mistakes, understanding that they do not define you, and committing to personal growth. Seeking and receiving forgiveness from others can also be a healing process, fostering reconnection and trust.
How to Start Forgiving Yourself
Acknowledgement: Acknowledge the actions that led to guilt and shame without allowing them to define your identity.
Understanding: Reflect on the circumstances and pressures that contributed to those actions with empathy.
Sincere Apologies: Express genuine remorse and understanding of the impact of your actions.
Amending Actions: Follow through with actions that demonstrate your commitment to change and making amends. How To Forgive Someone Who Hurt You
Where to Find Additional Support
Facing feelings of guilt and shame can feel incredibly isolating, but it's so important to remember you are not alone in this. Shame often convinces us to hide, making us believe we're the only ones struggling. Research shows that these feelings can cause people to withdraw from their social circles, which only makes things harder. However, reaching out for help is one of the most powerful and courageous steps you can take. Connecting with others who understand can break the cycle of self-blame and provide the encouragement you need to keep moving forward. Whether you prefer confidential helplines, professional therapy, or peer groups, there is a vast network of support available to meet you exactly where you are on your journey.
National Helplines and Resources
When you need immediate, confidential guidance, national resources are an excellent starting point. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline is a free, 24/7 treatment referral and information service. You can call them anytime to get referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Another fantastic tool is the NIAAA Alcohol Treatment Navigator from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. It helps you find qualified, evidence-based alcohol treatment programs near you, taking the guesswork out of finding quality care and ensuring you connect with professionals who can help.
Community and Peer Support
There is incredible strength in shared experience. Connecting with people who truly understand what you're going through can dissolve feelings of shame and loneliness. Groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and SMART Recovery offer structured meetings and a supportive community framework that has helped millions. If you're looking for something more flexible, digital communities can be a great fit. The Reframe app, for example, has a thriving, anonymous community forum where you can share your progress, ask for advice, and celebrate wins with people on the same path, all from the privacy of your phone. Finding your people makes the path forward feel much less daunting.
Your Path to Healing and Growth
Addressing feelings of guilt and shame is a vital part of the psychological and emotional journey of reducing alcohol consumption. By developing self-compassion, seeking professional support, making amends, building a robust support system, setting realistic goals, and embracing forgiveness, individuals can navigate these challenging emotions and foster a healthier relationship with themselves and those around them. Remember, the journey towards sobriety is not just about abstaining from alcohol but also about healing and transforming emotionally and psychologically. Embrace this journey with kindness and patience, and allow yourself the space to grow and thrive.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel so anxious and full of dread the day after drinking? That awful feeling, often called "hangxiety," is a real biological response. When you drink, alcohol slows down your brain activity. To compensate, your brain goes into overdrive to get back to normal. Once the alcohol wears off, you're left with this overstimulated, revved-up state, which is why you feel restless, on edge, and full of regret. It’s not a personal failing; it’s your brain chemistry trying to find its balance again.
I feel bad about my drinking, but is it guilt or shame? Does it matter? It absolutely matters. Guilt is the feeling that you’ve done something wrong, like saying something you regret at a party. Shame is the feeling that you are something wrong—that you’re fundamentally flawed. Recognizing this difference is key because guilt can motivate you to apologize or change a behavior, while shame often makes you want to hide, which can keep you stuck in the very cycle you want to break.
It feels like the worse I feel about my drinking, the more I end up drinking. Why does that happen? This is the classic shame cycle, and it’s incredibly common. When you feel deep shame about your drinking habits, that emotional pain can become a powerful trigger. Drinking might feel like the only way to get a temporary escape from those feelings of worthlessness. Of course, this only leads to more shame later, creating a self-perpetuating loop that has nothing to do with willpower and everything to do with how shame works against us.
How can I start to feel better about myself if I'm not ready to talk to a therapist or join a group? A great first step is to practice self-compassion. This isn't about letting yourself off the hook; it's about treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend who was struggling. Start by simply acknowledging your feelings without judgment. You can also set small, realistic goals for yourself, like having one alcohol-free day this week. These small wins build confidence and prove to yourself that change is possible, all on your own terms.
What's the difference between having a problem with alcohol and just having a few bad nights? The distinction is less about the exact number of drinks and more about the impact alcohol is having on your life. A few bad nights might leave you with a hangover and some regret. But if you find yourself constantly thinking about alcohol, needing more to get the same effect, or continuing to drink even when it’s causing issues with your health, work, or relationships, it might be a sign of Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). Seeing it as a medical condition, not a moral one, can help you assess your situation with more clarity.
Key Takeaways
Understand the science behind your anxiety: The intense guilt and anxiety you feel after drinking ("hangxiety") is a physical reaction caused by chemical imbalances in your brain, not a sign of personal failure. Knowing this helps separate your actions from your self-worth.
Treat the problem like a health issue, not a moral one: Shame thrives on the idea that you lack willpower, but problem drinking is a recognized health condition. This shift in perspective is the first step toward finding effective, judgment-free solutions.
Replace self-blame with self-compassion: Guilt and shame often fuel the desire to drink, creating a vicious cycle. Instead of punishing yourself, practice treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend to build the resilience needed for lasting change.
Although it isn’t a treatment for alcohol use disorder (AUD), the Reframe app can help you cut back on drinking gradually, with science-backed knowledge to empower you 100% of the way. Our proven program has helped millions worldwide drink less and live more. And we want to help you get there, too!
The Reframe app equips you with the knowledge and skills to survive drinking less and thrive while navigating the journey. Our daily research-backed readings teach you the neuroscience of alcohol, and our in-app Toolkit provides the resources and activities you need to navigate each challenge.
You’ll meet hundreds of fellow Reframers in our 24/7 Forum chat and daily Zoom check-in meetings. Receive encouragement from people worldwide who know exactly what you’re going through! You’ll also be able to connect with our licensed Reframe coaches for more personalized guidance.
Plus, we’re constantly introducing new features to optimize your in-app experience. We recently launched our in-app chatbot, Melody, powered by the world’s most powerful AI technology. Melody is here to help you adjust to a life with less (or no) alcohol.
And that’s not all! We launch fun challenges monthly, like Dry/Damp January, Mental Health May, and Outdoorsy June. You won’t want to miss out on the chance to participate alongside fellow Reframers (or solo if that’s more your thing!).
The Reframe app is free for seven days, so you have nothing to lose by trying it. Are you ready to feel empowered and discover life beyond alcohol? Then download our app through the App Store or Google Play today!
Reframe has helped over 2 millions people to build healthier drinking habits globally
At Reframe, we do science, not stigma. We base our articles on the latest peer-reviewed research in psychology, neuroscience, and behavioral science. We follow the Reframe Content Creation Guidelines, to ensure that we share accurate and actionable information with our readers. This aids them in making informed decisions on their wellness journey. Learn more
Updated Regularly
Our articles undergo frequent updates to present the newest scientific research and changes in expert consensus in an easily understandable and implementable manner.
