10 Signs of Codependency and How To Overcome Them

By now, we’re all well-acquainted with the saying that humans are social beings, creatures with a deep-seated need for connection and belonging. Interactions with others — from close, intimate relationships to friendly chats with the local barista — enrich our lives in countless ways. Sometimes, though, instead of adding value, these connections start to drain us. 

What Is Codependency?

Take a moment to consider this: have you ever felt a lingering anxiety before a meet-up with friends because you can't seem to be your authentic self around them? Or perhaps you felt overwhelmed by a barrage of intrusive, judgemental queries about your personal life? These could be indicators that your relationships are causing more stress than joy. Left unaddressed, this strain can negatively impact our overall well-being and contentment.

In the realm of relationships, one pattern that often lies at the heart of such stress is codependency. Codependency is a relationship dynamic in which one person sacrifices their needs and well-being to meet the needs of another. This can lead to feelings of exhaustion, resentment, and a sense of losing oneself. 

What Causes Codependency?

Childhood experiences can play a significant role in codependent tendencies. Growing up in a family in which emotions were ignored or discouraged, or there was a lack of consistency and safety, can make us more prone to codependency. We might learn to associate love and care with self-sacrifice, leading us to neglect our needs in adulthood.

Another risk factor is having a close relationship with someone who struggles with substance misuse or a mental health disorder. In an attempt to support and help them, we might end up losing ourselves in their needs, giving rise to a codependent dynamic.

Additionally, societal and cultural norms often reinforce the idea that taking care of others at the expense of ourselves is virtuous. Self-care and boundary setting are considered selfish, which can lead us to compromise our own needs. This belief can make us more susceptible to codependency, as we strive to fulfill society’s expectations.

Finally, our personal characteristics can also increase the risk of a codependent relationship. If we struggle with low self-esteem or fear of abandonment, or if we have a strong desire to please others, we may find ourselves slipping into codependency in an attempt to secure love and approval.

10 Signs of Codependency

But how do we recognize if we're caught in a codependent cycle? Let's explore ten common signs.

Sign #1: A Need for Approval

One of the earliest signs of codependency is an excessive need for approval from others. If we often find ourselves making decisions based on what others would think, or feeling distressed when we perceive disapproval, it's time to examine those tendencies. This constant striving to please others can erode our sense of self and lead to chronic stress.

Sign #2: Difficulty Saying No

Another hallmark of codependency is difficulty saying no to others. If we often find ourselves agreeing to things that we don't want to do, just to avoid conflict, that can be a sign. This lack of assertiveness can make us feel taken advantage of and further intensify feelings of resentment.

Sign 3: Lack of Self-Care

In a codependent relationship, we might find that our own needs always take a backseat to the other person’s needs. If we're constantly prioritizing others' needs over our own well-being, we could be nurturing a codependent pattern. Over time, this can lead to burnout and emotional exhaustion, leaving us at a greater risk of substance misuse and physical health problems. 

Sign 4: Fear of Abandonment

As we mentioned above, a deep-rooted fear of abandonment is another sign of codependency. If the thought of being alone or rejected makes us anxious, and we constantly cling to people to avoid feeling abandoned, we may be caught in a codependent cycle. 

Sign 5: Over-Responsibility for Others

Finally, feeling overly responsible for others' feelings, actions, and well-being can indicate codependency. If we find ourselves constantly worrying about how others are doing, or blaming ourselves for their actions, it's a signal to reassess.

Sign 6: Difficulty Expressing Emotions

Codependent people might have trouble expressing their true emotions. This could manifest as bottling up anger, sadness, or frustration to avoid conflict or the fear of being judged. This emotional suppression can cause inner turmoil and distance in relationships.

Sign 7: Excessive Concern With the Problems of Others

Codependent people tend to become overly involved in other people’s issues, feeling the need to 'fix' or rescue them. This can lead to a constant state of worry and frustration when others don’t change or improve their situations.

Sign 8: Low Self Esteem

Low self-esteem is both a cause and symptom of codependency. If we base our worth purely on whether or not others approve of us, we might start feeling insecure when we don’t receive validation or approval. This tendency can keep us trapped in the cycle of codependency, always seeking external validation.

Sign 9: Fear of Conflict

Many codependent folks have an intense fear of conflict, often avoiding it at all costs. This behavior can result in passive-aggressive tendencies or a reluctance to voice our opinions and feelings, further eroding the foundation of healthy communication in relationships.

Sign 10: Denial of Codependency

Finally, denial is a key sign of codependency. It can be hard to recognize that our need to help or please others has gotten out of hand and reached an unhealthy level. Often, codependent people will deny their behaviors, rationalizing them as simply being caring or loving, while ignoring the negative impact on their well-being.

Overcoming Codependency

Recognizing these signs is the first step. But how do we break free from codependency? Here are a few strategies:

• Prioritize self-care: Make time for self-care and self-nurturing activities. It's okay to put our own needs first sometimes. Turn your notifications off and go for a walk, or sit in the tub for a while with a good book. When you take the time to recharge, you can step away from codependent situations and gain the clarity to assess whether they’re truly serving you. 
• Set boundaries: Learn to assertively communicate your needs and set healthy boundaries. This takes time and practice, and (if you’re like the rest of us!) you probably won’t get it right the first time or every time. Try saying no to something small, and gradually build your confidence to assert yourself in more challenging situations. On our app, we even have a course all about setting healthy boundaries that has helped over 2,000 users. 
• Seek support: Reach out to a mental health professional or join a support group. Sometimes we need a little guidance — and that’s okay! These professionals or support groups can give us additional perspectives and guidance. 
• Develop self-esteem: Work on building your self-esteem and self-identity outside the context of others. When we wrap our identities around others’ needs and opinions, we tend to lose ourselves a bit. However, when we hone in on our unique talents and abilities, we are less likely to get swept up in codependent relationship dynamics. 
• Practice mindfulness: Cultivate awareness about your feelings, needs, and reactions. Starting a mindfulness meditation practice, or simply journaling for a few minutes each day, is an excellent way to start building more awareness. 

Final Thoughts on Codependency

While we are inherently social beings, it's essential that our relationships nurture and empower us, rather than leaving us feeling depleted and stressed. Codependency can subtly infiltrate our relationships, but by recognizing the signs and actively working towards overcoming them, we can reclaim our sense of self and build healthier, more balanced connections.